Angmosphere

Monday, June 17, 2002

Beware.
New Blog...
www.creamtangerine.blogspot.com

check it out now...funk soul brother.
posted by Angela 4:33 PM

Friday, May 31, 2002

FRIDAY
wow...summer is here on the shore. Things are going really well! I feel like writing here because something is making me really sick. I am so tired of blind "Americans". Over emotional bullshit that is so pervasive. OKAY already with the GROUND ZERO stuff. Even the widows and orphans are sick of this "CLOSURE" crap. Why is the death of these firefighters/police/EMS workers/civilians....any more painful or worth more support of the "survivors" than other brave citizens who die in the line of duty? ENOUGH already. OH and the latest "condition"....SURVIVOR GUILT. "I didnt perish and my co-worker did...so now I am a neurotic freak"

Excuse me..but how did we SURVIVE the vietnam and korean wars? How did we SURVIVE the horrors of World Wars? Our society is a bunch of fucked up over sensitive babies that need to suck it up and get on with it...get off your computer, stop watching TV and LIVE for the love of life itself.
posted by Angela 12:08 PM

Saturday, May 04, 2002

hello again!
Its been a long time since i have had the opportunity to write here. I am at my brothers house write now..hehe pun intended. I have been doing lots of things now that I dont have a computer in my home...I lost 13 lbs...I took up crochet...I am reading John Grisham's second most recent novel, "The Painted House"....speaking of painted houses...I am remodeling my living room...it has been taking forever to scrape off the old wallpaper boarder..like it was glued on with Liquid Nails or something...anyway...I am painting the room "Devonshire Cream" buying a new area rug and new furniture.

My kids are playing LOTS of baseball....my new position at work is going very well, I am taking a course in writing FHA loans up at Rutgers University...umm..lets see....

Things have been going well with Jim..he is buying a new car..he is editing a new program on MSNBC..."On Location with Ashley Banfield"...we are getting a long well...very smooth sailing since our last bout of growing pains...

I guess thats about it in a nutshell...I dont want to monopolize my brother phoneline too much longer..so I wish you all well, gentle readers..and write if you can...
angelissima
posted by Angela 9:21 PM

Monday, April 22, 2002

monday..its raining but thats good because we are in a drought. my home pc is still fried. cant write too much again..at work..busy...things went okay with Jim on Saturday...we are scheduled for a new york city saturaday this weekend..its his birthday.
Ill write when I can! ciao!
posted by Angela 4:03 PM

Friday, April 19, 2002

today is friday!!
today, I got a french manicure on my toes. today I got my legs waxed..and it was horrible!! I am exhausted. Tonight is the ice cream social at my son johns school.....

my pc is broken and I feel very cut off from my fun internet friends. This weekend, I will see Jim. I cant write much, since I am at work..but have a good weekend everyone...peace out!!
posted by Angela 4:53 PM

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

WOW

yesterday Pat and I FINALLY found an investor for a 1.1mil. loan...it was very tough, the guy....a super wealthy trust fund dude..had almost no paper trail...all these "entities"...to hide his money...we had to do tons of investigation to get him stabilized. Whew! We worked for about 2 months on this deal...what a relief!

Anyway....it appears my comments do not work again...and chris has abandoned me...so I guess I am back to plain blogging for NOW PEOPLE. Does anyone remember that traveling show called, "UP WITH PEOPLE"? I remember going on class trips in elementary school to see it at the Garden State Arts Center in beautiful Holmdel NJ.

I read an interesting blog the other day about how many people only have "virtual friends". You know....that aspect of life in this day and age REALLY frightens me. People....get out of your houses....interact! Jim was telling me about an invention called a hollidex (sp?) anyway....where you can sit in a room and be anywhere in the entire world....or meet anyone you want...all computer generated. Oh..I think I will go to the South of France now...BAM! oh...I would like to meet John Lennon....BAM! I told him that would be perfect for him...since he hates to travel...but I need to see the REAL THING>...

I think we need more humanity...more interaction with the flesh...less of this virtual crap. This medium is for information and education...not friendship...I mean, YES....I have many virtual friends...but....When you meet these virtual friends in real life...its NEVER what you think it was..NEVER! Is that I crime? I dont know. Its fun stuff..but we need to go out and LIVE too! Oh well, to each thier own. Live and let blog.
posted by Angela 7:26 AM

Monday, April 15, 2002

Hello BLOGLANDERS!

Its monday night..it was very warm here on the Jersey Shore to day...almost 85f or something. I was in the office all day...broke out to drop off some film so I have some cool photos to post here...I hope I can use the scanner at work tomorrow to get them off to blogmaster chris..(*wink*...*nudge*...help a fellow 40 year old out...buddy?)

I feel like CRAP physically. I think I have allergies or something. Im fine in the office..but if I go out into the pollenated world..I feel HORRID. I took my nightly woods hike..and afterwards...gag..I feel all sore and pukie. dizzy...sweaty..not pretty. I was having hot flashes at work all day. Maybe its post-tramatic stress. Whenever I have a problem...like the latest Jim-thing..I tend to get all puffed up...but underneath I am DYING.

Lets face it..how many chances for love do I have left? Especially to be in love with someone like Jim, who...is just as quirky as I am...he is less quirky I think...way more stable...and I mock him for his strength...oh I am such a caustic bitch. I dont know why he puts up with me. I guess because he loves me..and he knows I dont mean it...But I cant help but pause and think about what Chris had to say about abusers. I can be verbally abusive...I can be emotionally abusive. I am far from perfect.

Anyway..thats what this blog is all about..my need for change. Everyone needs to change or they become stagnent....green, moldy...and eventually shrivel up and die. Jim and I are getting together this saturday. We havent seen each other in over three weeks. He told me he wants to make up with me the "right" way...I wonder what that means...besides incredible sex? He told me he wants to apologize...but face to face. Interesting. I never thought he would admit any blame for anything. Love is a mysterious thing, isn't it? Make a strong man weak....

I know I rant and rave about him...but deep down, its my fear of it NOT working and of it WORKING...sheesh. Im a head case...!! Does anybody know what Im talking about?? I love him...I have been hurt so many times that I am building up an immunity...but I can still forgive and move on...I am good about that...sometimes it takes a while, but eventually...its all good. I can honestly say I harbor no resentment...even toward men who have done completely horrible things to me..oh shut UP!

Anyway...here I am...feeling queasey...needing a hug....I have tightness in my chest...pain in my neck...my head hurts...I need comfort. maybe a hot bath will suffice? Good night...
posted by Angela 9:33 PM

Saturday, April 13, 2002

Saturday...

First of alll...thank you Chris for fixing my comments. I am having a bit of a break in the action today. I have been up since 7...took kate to a school thing at 8, johns little league parade was at 8:30, the girls Softball parade was at 10:30, the team pictures where at 1:30 and they all have games at 3:00 on different fields on opposite ends of our town...which is VERY HUGE. John decided to have a bout of diarehha in his uniform, so BACK home to wash everything..thats what I am doing now..while he is in the shower. He has been complaining of a belly ache..and now this..I dont think he should play, but he insists he feels better. oi vay!'

My nephew danny is with us. Jim decided that we need another week of healing...which suits me just fine..I am WAY too busy to be schelping around with him tonight. All I want to do is go to my brothers house, lay out on the beach and watch the sun go down after the baseball games are over. I am so SPENT from this week.

See you later!
posted by Angela 2:39 PM

Friday, April 12, 2002

Guess where I am?

I stopped at an internet cafe on 5th and 38th just to check some stuff online...hehehhe..and this is the coolest computer I have ever used. Just thought I would share that with you. the screen is gigantic and flat...and the speed is incredible!

Have a nice day...Im having a cappuccino
posted by Angela 12:29 PM

Thursday, April 11, 2002

Thursday!
ahh HA! Im taking a personal day tomorrow to get my car insurance....registration.....blah blah...then going into manhattan and knocking about for a while...wanna come?

I went to the GAP on the way home and bought a crisp white linen blouse and a smokey turquiose cami to go underneath...and a BIG BLACK very cool tote thingie...that really sort of looks like a bag for a lap top...but I love it...it will be a great city bag...to load up stuff that I buy...

anyway...Im feeling much better today...looking forward to an adventure tomorrow. I love taking adventures. How about you?
posted by Angela 8:19 PM

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Wednesday Night

Im still feeling pretty blue. That might be a good thing..since blue is my favorite color and I look really good in blue...but feeling blue is kinda funky. I have been getting quotes on auto insurance all day...also getting lots of rejections because my driving record stinks and nobody wants to insure me. That makes me feel sort of blue..introspectively...I wish I didnt HAVE to drive at all...its so damned expense, and the wreak I have made of my driving record is very disheartening..because, I LOVE TO DRIVE! I always seem to ruin the things I love. Massive subconscience self-loathing, no doubt.

Im trying to avoid the occassion of speaking to Jim, because of my mood....I am afraid I will say something awful and hurt his feelings...and we are so fragile right now. Artists are so damned emotional and sensitive. Its good and bad. Its good..because its GOOD...I couldnt stand to be with an unemotional man. Its BAD because I am a caustic, sarcastic woman..and I say LOTS of inappropriate things that I wish...after saying them, that I could retract. Since I am blue...and pissed at the "insurance" world..but that is MY fault for being a careless driver.....I might say something wretched. Now I know why lots of people like thier privacy....I have been learning that too much talking isnt a good thing!

I have had PMS for weeks now...If I dont get my period soon...I might spontaneously combust! I hate this....the emotionalism, the anger, the bloating...it SUX!!!!!! well...thats it...good night...I need rest.
posted by Angela 9:44 PM

Hello Love...Good Morning!

That was the famous line from one of the DJ's on WABC the AM radio station (new york) I grew up listening to. I think his name was Cousin Brucie..or Harry Harrison...I cant remember which one.

I was feeling pretty low yesterday...then when I got home, there was a beautiful email from Jim. He wants to work things out, do whatever it takes. It was very enlightening. It seems he realized that special connections, chemistry...love...doenst happen everyday...to some, never. Most of his idiocyncracies (sp?) have nothing to do with me....and he realizes it.

So in my heart, I have put things in neutral. Lets see what happens. I am just glad that I dont have to feel sad.

posted by Angela 7:59 AM

Monday, April 08, 2002

Monday

Jim called me at work today. He sent me an email telling me I am the source of all of his anxiety...then he calls just to "hear my voice"....and tell me he loves me and misses me...I dont know what in the world this man wants. I spoke to him...we went around in circles again about how this isnt going to work if he wont make an attempt..blah blah blah...

You know...when its over with me..its OVER. I dont like phone calls..or being friends...or mercy fucks...or any of that crap. When its over...its OVER...kaput!

I dont think its over...I am going to ask him, if he calls again...what his plan is to make this work. If he has no recourse..then I will tell him to not call anymore. Hardball, I know..but I just cant stand dragging things out and playing mindgames.

On a lighter note...I am totally into Jasmine..Jasmine Tea, Jasmine Rice...its the best aroma in the world! Tonight I made my self a lovely flounder filet with Jasmine Rice and a gorgeous salad...then went out for a 2 mile hike in the woods. I feel very connected in the woods...I can almost feel the spirits of nature enveloping me...weaving inside my soul...

Up at the lake there was a duck sitting on a nest of eggs..very near our driveway. It was odd, I thought that she would build the nest in such a high traffic area...the coolest thing is when we walk by she totally flattens her body out to cover the nest and sort of buries her face in an attempt to hide...its so cute! I cant wait until the baby ducklings hatch!
posted by Angela 7:53 PM

Sunday, April 07, 2002

Sunday...Sunday...Sunday...

Okay...last night was pretty fun...but Phil, I found out, has a problem keeping his pants zipped...so I dont think I want to get involved with that. Plus, being out last night just made me miss Jim really badly...ugh. Its a lonely world out there. Lots of lonely people just looking to hook up. I think I have had my fill of the bar scene for another six months or so. We did have fun, though, it was good to see everyone out having a good time. Gina didnt show up...I was hoping she would.

Today I really just felt depressed. Laura came over with the kids for dinner, which perked me up a bit. She understands Jim's anxiety problems. She had similar symptoms a bunch of years back. It was pretty bad for her, she sort of had a meltdown. Jim actually knows that he is headed for a meltdown... but isnt doing anything about it. I wrote to him, telling him I would help him in anyway I could to ease this anxiety of his...but he didnt respond. I tried to tell him how fun the summer could be if he would compromise a bit...he could come down, we could go to the beach, sit on my brothers deck and watch the boats sail by...barbecue...go out sailing...it would be really great for him just to get out of the city and relax. Oh well, I guess I cant force him into my brand of fun.

I just really miss him...I am over my anger and I miss him..but I guess that doesnt change the reality of the situation. I just dont think I could date someone casually...we are way past casual. This is hellish. I love him, but he is so stubborn...and I realized that his stubborness, arrogance, rudeness....is all to cover these anxiety issues. Man...I gotta relax. He is a big boy..he can do what he wants...I need to step back and just live my own life. Thats what I like about the blog. I can write down all this stuff. thank you, blog..for being here.

posted by Angela 10:10 PM

Saturday, April 06, 2002

Saturday!

Groovey. I love Saturday its my most favorite day of the week. AND now I am not shackled into the Hoboken trek, so its even better! Jim wrote me one of his famous disserations on how and why I disappoint him and make him feel inadequate. I'm telling you, the man needs a mail-order bride. No normal woman would put up with his antics even as long as I have. He stated that he does not want me to call him for a few days(AS IF! I am the one that ended the last conversation...sheesh! here's a dollar, take a ride on the CLUE BUS!) and only contact him through email (coward). Hope hes not holding his breath. One thing I have learned, silence is golden. He is the one scrabbling around for answers...and the only answer I want to hear is compromise...hows that for an oxymoron!! hahahhaa...

SO..today...the kids woke up, they want waffles, so I have my beligian waffle iron plugged in, getting nice and hot...my nephew danny stayed overnight last night. Danny has downs syndrome, did I mention that? I am his most favorite auntie, Angie is his refuge, his Mom says....after breakfast we will travel to the beach, get Johnnie a haircut, then Pherrin visits the eye doc...she wants to try contact lenses..hehehe...its her yearly exam...lets see how this pans out. Then its back home, John has baseball practice and the girls have a meeting of their softball team. Every year, the teams get together to construct a banner to walk in the opening day parade...so they have that...then...

We are all getting together...Me, Jeanne,Gina, Albert, Marisa, Michelle, Steve, Dan, Laura, Alma, Tony, Erin (alma's cousin)..to see Damian's (Gina and Laura's brother) band down in Seaside. They are all getting rooms...staying overnight, but I think I will go home. I am the designated driver...so...I have no need to crash out in a moldy seaside motel..hehhee...Marisa has been wanting me to meet this guy Phil in the band for a while now...so who knows...At least he lives and works locally and DRIVES..sheesh. Laura tells me he is the best looking guy in the band! Divorced...I wonder if he has kids, too?

I think it might be better if I dated a divorced guy who had kids. Or maybe a school teacher? or maybe I'll just wait and see who God puts in my path.

In any event, have a wonderful day muchachos and muchachas...(is that correct Spanish, Chris?)
posted by Angela 7:44 AM

Friday, April 05, 2002

Blog, am I glad to see you!

Okay....I am truely done with Jim. I am tired of having to be the one holding this thing together, always apologizing for my opinions, doing all the traveling, deciding what we are going to do....screw it! I am tired of dealing with a paranoid, stubborn, arrogant, hateful pothead. There is no place in my life for that. I told him a few nights ago, I dont want reefer around my kids, or me, for that matter....he shows alll the classic signs of a pothead. No initiative, never wants to leave his house, fearful of EVERYTHING, paranoid...

I am tired of doing all of the travelling, all of the planning...just to have him shoot it down, he wont even consider getting off his lazy ass and come down here to be a part of my life, my family...etc. I have had my brothers family invite him to numerous event only to have him decline constantly....and then he tells me I am making him feel guilty because he can't travel....hes too interested in staying home and getting stoned.

SCREW THAT. I simply do not see any future with a man whos biggest goal in life is retireing to Florida with the other old folks. Hes already an old fart at 37! Personally, I think he has an anxiety disorder and the marijuana makes it worse....but he wont hear of that. I cant do it anymore. I need to be out and about..not spending my entire weekend sitting on his futon, watching him get stoned, eating takeout and watching TV...what the heck is THAT? He doesnt even want to GO OUT to eat any more.

He has obvious mental problems that he is trying to blame on me, but hey...this is NOT normal behavior....and I dont need to be involved with another drug user...no way!! I had no idea how deeply he depended on it...or how deeply it has affected his psyche.

So, for me..and my kids, I have to let this one go...throw back. He keeps talking about how much he LOVES me...more than I will ever know..but sheesh...he doesnt love me enough to be part of my life after 6 months...forget it! I cant waste anymore time..its clear to me that its going no where.
posted by Angela 7:07 AM

Tuesday, April 02, 2002

The Human Race has one effective weapon...Laughter.
~Mark Twain (samuel clements)

You know, Samuel Clements was a fine name....I know the exotic sound of..."MARK TWAIN!!!" being shouted on the mississippi was too enticing for the young author to resist...but I still like the sound of Sam Clements.

Im feeling somewhat renewed. This is a bad thing because I had yet another battle of wills with Jim...and hes giving me that bogus silent treatment. BUT come on! Listen to this.....He told me...that if we had a swimming pool he wouldnt let my children's friends swim in it unless thier parents signed a release waiver. HELLO! He is so paranoid...and to think...this would be MY house. never. not in a million years would I be so ungracious as to invite someone over and make it a legal proceeding.

The problem with Jim is that he has no family ties, no experiance with children...He thinks everyone is out to get him.....Im thinking maybe this isnt gonna work out. Paranoia? Not a Fan. He is REALLY paranoid. I cant deal with it...I cant live my life in fear...I love to travel, to talk to new people, experiance life....the life he watches on TV. Hes big into TV...for obvious reasons...he works in Television..but I HATE TV!! I think its the bain of our exsistance. Hes pimping for the devil as far as I am concerned.

Im not going to talk to him. Im unplugging my phone tonight. Im putting my calls on auto forward to voice mail tomorrow....I just cant do this anymore.
posted by Angela 7:08 PM

Sunday, March 31, 2002

Anybody remember a movie called, "The Rutles"? It is a Lorne Michael's produced (SNL) spoof on "The Beatles" its so funny! Monty-Python cast members and SNL people abound in the cast...its brilliant..I watched it this afternoon.
posted by Angela 9:29 PM

Hey...I just got back from taking my Johnnie boy to see "Ice Age". It was pretty dull..but touching, I cried...but I always cry. People take bets on when I am gonna burst into tears at movies. Its awful. I have been feeling extremely angry lately. Like...LASHING OUT...SLAMMING DOORS...CURSING...maybe its that chocolate/caffeine...oops I havent exercised in 2 weeks...stress overload?....Or it could be "The Lunar Pull" part phase of the moon, part PMS...yeah..ooh yeah...thats it. It suddenly dawns on me...Im a psycho for a week..coming up. damn. LIFE doesnt have to be this way! RIP IT OUT....I dont want anymore kids...I had my tubes tied after john...what the heck do I need a hormone addled uterus for? Fallopian tubes? TAKE A HIKE.. OVARIES? who needs em? My eggs are too old to donate! So Im forty....FORTY...sheesh..when did that happen?
posted by Angela 9:26 PM

okay..so I have been doing a bit of research into this whole Easter traditions bit. EGGS...okay...ancient pagan rituals....Bunny that laid eggs, also Anglo-Saxon pagan legend....chocolate eggs and bunnies, blame the Germans. Easter finery...christians...no where does it talk about TRAMPOLINES. Its not mentioned...gifts other than eggs. Victorians did the card thing....but they are big on that rubbish. If you want to know more, I have details but I just dont choose to type them in at this juncture...My fingers are bloated from the salty ham.

posted by Angela 5:09 PM

You know what I dont "get"? Presents for Easter. I dont know if this is a National phenomenon or an East Coast Exclusive...but it seems that all of a sudden, people are giving and recieving gifts on Easter. My kids called me at work last thursday and informed me that they didnt want Easter candy....they wanted a TRAMPOLINE (&$^#*@@!!!) what??

Their friends family give them these elaborate gifts for easter...when did easter sunday become about presents? I thought it was about flowers and candy...you know another reason for card and candy and florist concerns to reap the benefits of our grotesque consumerism.

Nobody bothers with the true meaning of Easter...even less than the true meaning behind Christmas...I mean...okay...the spring bonnets and fancy dresses where okay...but TRAMPOLINES?

Why cant we be happy with dyeing eggs and eating cheap waxy chocolates....followed by a salty ham? I did go to church also...I think I need to start doing that again on a more regular basis. My son John and daughter Pherrin choose to attend services every Sunday...I rarely go...Kate hates church..but you know...I am a deeply spiritual person. I know that the Hand of a Higher Power has intervened in my life numerous times. I just dont feel especially comfortable with organized religion.
posted by Angela 2:04 PM

Saturday, March 30, 2002

Sheesh...have you ever felt that Vertigo feeling when you go over a bridge? I get it when I drive over the Driscoll Bridge which traverses the Raritan River here in Joisey. RIGHT at the top....that butterfly in my stomach lurch...Man...I love to drive....but sometimes if I think about it...its scary..flying at 80 mph...in a tin can. Tonight I also drove over the Pulaski Skyway...thats a cool thing...I was exiting the NJ Turnpike at exit 14....got on Route 9 and as I headed toward the Skyway on an overpass...Newark Airport to my left....there were numerous planes landing RIGHT over my head...oh wow. That freaks me out sometimes...basically because I want to WATCH the planes land..but I have to watch the highway..and they are RIGHT overhead..its such a rush.

Tonight was clear, the moon was full..New York City was shimmering.....hustle bustle....no place like it. Today I fried chicken at 7 am..in my flannel nightgown...I was attacked by flying grease....I have these highly unattractive burns on my upper chest...but the chicken tastes really good...Its past midnight now...so I can eat meat. GOSH..even though I am no longer a practicing Catholic it still freaks with my head to eat meat on Good Friday. What a religion. Priests should be allowed to get married. Thats all I have to say on THAT subject. its too complex to debate.

WELL...I dont know what happened to my comments thingie...? Anyways....good evening, morning...whatever it may be in your world.
posted by Angela 2:37 AM

Thursday, March 28, 2002

HA! KIDS! I have FIVE!! Thanks for your comments, guru...spoken like a true parent. My entire life revolves around my kids...would you like to know about them? Marisa is 24...she is a gorgeous sucessfull accountant, engaged to a CPA...they just bought a home. Tommy is 18...he lives with my ex-husband on a lagoon in Toms River NJ. He studies film editing at the Philadelphia Art Institute and is a road manager for an up and coming NYC rock band...he also sells vacuum cleaners at Sears. Pherrin is 13...she is a straight A student and athelete, she wears glasses and braces she is taller than I am. Kate is 11...kate is sporty spice..all star athelete, super friendly..average student..Johnny is 9..he is an honor roll student, plays baseball, basketball and sings in the school chorus. My last three children were born of my second marriage to an abuse drug addict....who as subsequently died of the AIDS virus.

So...gentle readers...I am a super mom...I work full time, support three children on my own....Jim is the light spot...yeah...my kids are the entire focus...Jim is the fluff..the fun...so sue me! hehhhee!! Hows that?
posted by Angela 9:56 PM

Thursday?

Man, the days are flying by. Thursday...its our last day at the office, since the powers that be are Roman Catholics, we have Good Friday off. I have my Easter Dinner all set...A big HAM (ooh...once a year wont kill me....) glazed with pineapples and cherries...sweet potatos, little red potatos, asparagus, corn, salad, dinner rolls, various relishes...and for dessert...french vanilla cream puffs...I am going to bake myself...yum! I am also going to bake brownies and chocolate chip cookies...like having 50 lbs of chocolate candy in the house isnt enough!!

Tomorrow we are going to color eggs...this year I bought the BIGGEST white eggs I could fine...extra JUMBO...I am going to fry a bunch of chicken up...its funny...Jim told me that is his favorite thing in the world to eat is really good fried chicken. Coincidently, I was watching the food network last weekend and they did a special on fried chicken...so..kismet! I have never made it before..and being a native of the NY metropolitan area...it should be different..hehhe...so, I am going to pack him a basket of fried chicken, and make him up an easter basket filled with goodies and bring it up to Hoboken tomorrow night.

I think I am going to start using mass transit for these dates...Gasoline is SO FRIGGIN' expensive these days...its almost $1.50 a gallon now...and in my gas sucking turbo engine, it takes about half a tank to get up there....plus the tolls...which add up to about 6 dollars...(you in the mid-west and west are lucky...we have these AWFUL toll roads..its such a rip-off!) So...the round trip ticket to manhattan is 20 bucks...then a buck on the PATH train to Hoboken..so for only a few dollars more, I can leave the driving to someone else.

I really got scared the other night driving home...I almost fell asleep at the wheel..it was really too much.
Plus, I was hoping Jim might get the hint that taking mass transit isnt the end of the world and come to visit us down here more often....as a city dweller, he has no car...see??
posted by Angela 9:07 PM

Wednesday, March 27, 2002

Wednesday

WOW...I cant believe its Wednesday already!! I started my new position yesterday, learning the cyber method of processing mortgages. I was a mortgage processor back in the mid-eighties, but then...we used selectric typewriters and snail mail....oh, and NO WHITE OUT! ahahaha...

My how things have changed...everything is known through your SSN (social security number)..its AMAZING the information I can find out about people. The history of your life, basically...definately the history of your financial life.

So..its good, Im so happy to be in a different department on another floor in a different wing...whew! My co-workers are very nice, very friendly...they go out to lunch together, go out afterwork together...its NICE...not like marketing where everyone basically hated each other...I found that to be exceedingly stressful.

This is the first job I have ever had that actually challenged me and gave me an inkling of a career...one I never suspected for myself, being a latent hippie. FINANCE? never!! But low and behold, I find it very interesting! I just past my first year anniversary with the firm.

Things are going very well with Jim...he has started a new tactic which I like...we write quick emails to each other all day long instead of the long drawn out convos on the phone...which usually end up in some sort of arguement. I asked him if we could NOT talk on the phone so much during the day...especially while I am training for my new job...its too exhausting. So we play this sort of email "tag" only saying the sweetest things to each other. We spoke on the phone last night for 2 hours though! One thing..we never run out of topics!

So my dear cyber pals, have a fabulous day and dont forget to write! Angelissima
posted by Angela 7:09 AM

Tuesday, March 26, 2002

Monday
wow. im really tired! I just got back from dinner with jim..the city was gorgeous. its raining but that makes the WTC memorial lights shine opaque....very noticable.

I almost fell asleep twice on the road. ugh. Im going to bed...but I just wanted to post a piece. more tomorrow...ciao all.
posted by Angela 12:31 AM

Friday, March 22, 2002

We all want to be loved

I realized something tonight. It was like a lightbulb when on over my stubborn head. All the man wants is to be supported, to have companionship, a partner...in life. And I wasnt being that person. I was being a total bombastic bitch. I have a tendancy to chase men away with my vicious tounge. OKAY...THATS STOPS TODAY! I have had a mental breakthrough. I am not going to attack Jim any longer....I love him way too much. What the hell was I thinking? I was fast-tracking the demise of us.

I feel really good now. Very settled. We had a long long long talk and it was totally productive. We discussed how to make the relationship work rather than how to destroy it and ourselves along with it. Its EASY. be nice! Just be nice and supportive. Why is that so difficult for me? I am really a mess...but I am working on it.
posted by Angela 6:41 PM

Finallly Friday

Still no word from Jim after he hung up on me Wednesday night. Typical. Insecurity masted by Pride and Arrogance. He won't call...

Anyway...Manhattan was cool. I ended up meeting one of my dearest friends whilst waiting for the bus home. We had a nice long chat, made the bus ride go much smoother and quicker. I told her about Jim and about his paranoia..she actually empathized, being a city dweller, about his fears. I guess I am so insulated that I dont realize the trauma that can come from citylife. Jeanne is also exceedingly paranoid in my book...but as a woman it seems okay...protection mode. Anyway...she brought be back to earth on the Jim subject...but I am not ready to speak to him yet. I know his heart is in the right place. I know he has had lots of heartache and he also has abandonment issues from childhood. I just dont want to be this man's whipping post. fuggitaboutit.

So I am trying our new skill, CHRIS, sitting back and watching...lets see what happens, shall we? Like the Mary J. Blige song..."No more Drama in my Life" I have come so far from that....not without hard work, mind you. I cant go back.

Everyone...have a wonderful, productive, stellar day!!
posted by Angela 7:15 AM

Thursday, March 21, 2002

Good Morning ....

You know what is making me really feel sick inside? My boyfriend. He has been nickle and dime-ing me for a while..its REALLY starting to get on my nerves. OKAY...latest fight...about TIFFANY of all things. I mentioned that I might shop there tomorrow...and his comment was..."Oh I have been there quite a few times"...so of course I ask why...and he starts with the..."Oh...you dont want to hear about it...gifts I bought in my past relationships"...duh...YAH..okay..so..of course I KNOW who he bought object d'art for....and well, I made the comment..."things from her.."list""....see, with this woman...they would set a budget and give each other LISTS of gifts that they wanted....HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT? But I didnt say anything...I just asked..."what kind of stuff"...innocently...WELL...that lead into his usual barrage of.."DONT I SPEND ENOUGH ON YOU?" "MAYBE I DONT MAKE ENOUGH MONEY FOR YOU" "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I HAVE SPENT ON YOU?"..and then I get that fucking laundry list of ALL THE MONEY JIM HAS EVER SPENT ON ANGELA FOR GIFTS....cough..gag....ewwwww!!! Dont get me wrong, I appreciate everything he has given me...He has this paranoid thing going on that hes not good enough for me...its exhausting.

First of all...I TRY once again to explain...its NOT ABOUT MONEY. He goes into this rant about his old girlfriend and how they had the budget so that she wouldnt spend too much on him and make him feel bad...what???? I told him...I dont give a shit how much he spends on me...I dont care if he never bought me another thing...and of course he doesnt believe me because ALL WOMAN ARE GOLD DIGGERS in his eyes..so...he got this tidbit of information out of me...the salaries of my ex-husband and last boyfriend..and it was more than he makes...so of course..HES NOT GOOD ENOUGH...

Im telling you..this is really getting exhausting. I cant stand pettiness, especially with worldly things. Spirit is all that matters to me. Money is GREAT sure..we all need it...but to constantly listen to this...I cant deal with it.

ANYWAY...Im going to Manhattan!!!! ciao babies! any and all commentary is appreciated. I think we are going to break up..personally. I am at the end of my rope with his paranoid pothead crap. His headstash is worth a Lucinda Diamond RING!
posted by Angela 7:13 AM

Wednesday, March 20, 2002

The Lucinda Engagement Ring!
posted by Angela 8:53 PM

You know whats good?

Cheap cookies. Of course, pepperidge farm cookies, especially Milano REALLY rule..but much can be said for the lowely iced oatmeal or choc chip ..store brand. Comfort Food.

Tomorrow I am travelling into Manhattan for the day....just me...alone...I need a day alone in the city. I like being alone...its such a rare thing...Im NEVER alone. I feel like I need to escape sometimes. I take a personal day, I dont tell my kids were I am going...and I go. I think I will go to Tiffanys. I have never been there. One of my all time favorite movies is Breakfast at Tiffanys, with Audrey Hepburn. Gosh, she was so cool.

There is a ring at Tiffanys. Its a new style of engagement ring called Lucinda. Its very unique...very gorgeous. Tiffany has inspired so many jewelry trends, it boggles the mind. I'll bet that most of you dont realize that tiffany invented the toggle bracelet..essentially the toggle with the dangling heart. Its copied a million times...anyway..this new Tiffany settting...is so friggin cool. It looks best with a princess cut diamond. (square..but not emerald)

In my deepest darkest dreams I wish Jim would buy me that ring. but...I wont ever tell him.
posted by Angela 7:16 PM

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

Tuesday...

Well its tuesday morning and I should really be getting ready for work but here I am at the BLOG. GOOD NEWS...the buddie john was having trouble with...they worked it out....friends again. WHEW!! I was so torn by my instincts as a mom to step in..and everyone else around me saying to let him fight his own battles...

You know whats cool? To sit back and watch situations unfold. My mom has mastered this. She gave up trying to give advice, etc...unless she was asked...and even then she is switzerland....BUT ANYWAY...its so cool to have a bit of patience these days. Even though, especially when it comes to matters of the heart, I am NOT patient...I want to stir the pot endlessly to get what I want. I need to chill. I am CHILLIN'. This is my motto of the week. CHILLY WILLY.

With work..I was patient...I eventually, and sooner than expected received an opportunity for major growth within my firm. With Jim..I need to be more patient. Sometimes, and I guess its because of my past relationships, I tend to blow things out of preportion. I trusted many men only to be stepped on...but hey...gotta live, gotta love. You know what I mean? Not every man is EVIL not every woman is EVIL. If that were so...wouldnt we be living in HELL? I dont know...just an analogy.
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HEY...I know lots of folks visit this page...use the comment field once in a while...feedback baby...its all we have here in cyberspace. Have a NICE DAY!
posted by Angela 7:25 AM

Monday, March 18, 2002

Its a terribly nasty rainy day today. I am at work and I cannot wait until my promotion takes effect and I can move from the department that I am in. I cant deal with "uncommon" sense..incompetency...and so forth.

I am worried about my son John. He is being bullied by some kid on the bus. I am praying for him today. There really isnt much I can do about this. It would only make it worse if I tried to fight his battles for him...oh well, boys rite of passage I guess.

Yesterday I watched a really cool classic film named, "GIANT". It was the last film that James Dean was in before his death. Elizabeth Taylor and Rock Hudson also starred.. a young Dennis Hopper. Very epic adventure of Texas ranching and oil baronning....
posted by Angela 12:43 PM

Sunday, March 17, 2002

How come (my mom used to say...How Come was an Indian...which wouldnt be PC these days) When I am with Jim...all the stupid crap we fight about doesnt matter? Its like, when we are together and either of us says something stupid..its no big deal because we smile or give a look...and its okay. Thats why the phone and definitely the internet only mode of communication is really EVIL...

Anyway...our weekend went very well...Especially this morning when I woke up early and snuck (snuck..is that a word?) out of his apt. and up to Washington Street...for flowers, coffee, fruit and pastries...the sun was just up...it was crisp out..and it felt really good to walk a bit...after another mind bending night.

How come...when I am with him...I feel so good..so balanced, completed...myself as I am supposed to be...away from the person I HAD to become to survive. I do not regret the past, however...nor my circumstances now...I am doing the best that I can with what I have to work with..and I never give up. Always striving to make things better for my children and myself. Just performing those simple gestures for Jim this morning I felt really good about it...I want to make him happy and I know that I do...its so much easier to be nice and generous..the key is to truely expect nothing in return...that is the complete joy of giving.
posted by Angela 8:38 PM

Thursday, March 14, 2002

Take a ride on the Emotional Rollercoaster!

Oh my..today was a humdinger. UP down....UP again...DOWN way low....UP down..up DOWN up down...
It started off okay...then I found out I got the promotion at work I was hoping for...UP!! Last night I got pissed at Jim because he dismissed me on the phone. So..being the mega-bitch that I am...I left my phone off the hook all night so that he couldnt call me...I made him suffer...he left many many messages. He wrote me an email apologizing...so I accepted and was happy. Then we fought over a massage later in the day. I bought him a gift certificiate for a massage....not knowing that he was totally creeped out by the thought of a stranger touching him...he loves massages from me...so I thought he might actually like a professional massage...ANYWAY...I offered to make the appointment for him...and then things got weird. First, he said he didnt want some old lady touching him (the massuse is about 50 years old..not too bad) then it evolved into..Why not? would you feel better with some young nubile sexpot...(yes, was his original answer...quickly changed to no)...then he made more and more ridiculous excuses...leaving me feeling totally rejected...that he didnt appreciate the gift at all...so I my survival instincts kicked in...and the sarcasic remarks were flying back and forth ..till I finally hung up on him...so childish...anyway...he called back and explained that he just felt really uncomfortable about it..he never had a professional massage before...which I didnt know...oh well..so I wrote to him..telling him I was sorry for over reacting...that I know lots of people who are not comfortble with massage...that I would use the gift myself...no biggie..I love you...amen...he appreciated my understanding...BUT..in the meantime..he wrote a HORRIBLE email to me to a different address...that I just acted like I didnt receive because he was so happy when I wrote to him...and his was time stamped JUST after our converstaion...

ANYWAY..I think we are okay...We are both really edgy...he is coming down this weekend to meet my family for the first time..and he is very nervous about it...I dont know why...but he is. You know how when people are nervous or feeling insecure they blow this smoke screen...(especially MEN) of arrogance and faux bravado...I hate that...just say..OHHH IM NERVOUS!! but he wont...his ego wont let him..so I have to play these stupid chinese food mind games. I know once he gets down here it will be okay.

HELP@!!! men!!! I need advice on how to sucessfully deal with an oversensitive guy. He thinks any little remark or difference of opinion I have is a direct attack on his charactor...its not like that at all...but he doesnt understand.
posted by Angela 9:09 PM

Wednesday, March 13, 2002

x
posted by Angela 4:38 PM

Monday, March 11, 2002

Fell all over again

Something strange happened to me this weekend. I feel like my love for Jim has reached a new level. I can't explain it...I feel like I fell in love all over again. Like...I can't eat. I think about him all the time. Its really great because I know he feels the same way.

Its sort of..um...I don't know. Like...we had the initial attraction thing...then the getting to know you thing...then the boundries thing...and now its a groovy love thing.

Maybe its the 9-11 thing. Maybe I am cherishing how fortunate I am to have found someone that I can share a deep mutual respect with....a trust...a bond...a love like no other. We bring out the best in each other. Like Hellman's Mayonaisse (best foods, west of the rockies).
posted by Angela 7:22 PM

Three-Eleven

Last night I watched again in horror the demise of our way of life. Six months ago, everything changed. It still gives me chills to think..to watch...to ponder the horror.

Makes you realize how silly and pointless most of our problems are...but by the same token, we should take the silly and pointless moments of life and cherish each one...each a special albeit, "precious moment".

Every week when I glance over to manhattan...I remember. It gives me chills...and I pray.
posted by Angela 7:51 AM