Angmosphere

2002-06-17T16:33:00.000-04:00

Beware.
New Blog...
www.creamtangerine.blogspot.com

check it out now...funk soul brother.

2002-05-31T12:08:00.000-04:00

FRIDAY
wow...summer is here on the shore. Things are going really well! I feel like writing here because something is making me really sick. I am so tired of blind "Americans". Over emotional bullshit that is so pervasive. OKAY already with the GROUND ZERO stuff. Even the widows and orphans are sick of this "CLOSURE" crap. Why is the death of these firefighters/police/EMS workers/civilians....any more painful or worth more support of the "survivors" than other brave citizens who die in the line of duty? ENOUGH already. OH and the latest "condition"....SURVIVOR GUILT. "I didnt perish and my co-worker did...so now I am a neurotic freak"

Excuse me..but how did we SURVIVE the vietnam and korean wars? How did we SURVIVE the horrors of World Wars? Our society is a bunch of fucked up over sensitive babies that need to suck it up and get on with it...get off your computer, stop watching TV and LIVE for the love of life itself.

2002-05-04T21:21:00.001-04:00

hello again!
Its been a long time since i have had the opportunity to write here. I am at my brothers house write now..hehe pun intended. I have been doing lots of things now that I dont have a computer in my home...I lost 13 lbs...I took up crochet...I am reading John Grisham's second most recent novel, "The Painted House"....speaking of painted houses...I am remodeling my living room...it has been taking forever to scrape off the old wallpaper boarder..like it was glued on with Liquid Nails or something...anyway...I am painting the room "Devonshire Cream" buying a new area rug and new furniture.

My kids are playing LOTS of baseball....my new position at work is going very well, I am taking a course in writing FHA loans up at Rutgers University...umm..lets see....

Things have been going well with Jim..he is buying a new car..he is editing a new program on MSNBC..."On Location with Ashley Banfield"...we are getting a long well...very smooth sailing since our last bout of growing pains...

I guess thats about it in a nutshell...I dont want to monopolize my brother phoneline too much longer..so I wish you all well, gentle readers..and write if you can...
angelissima

2002-05-04T21:21:00.000-04:00

2002-04-22T16:03:00.000-04:00

monday..its raining but thats good because we are in a drought. my home pc is still fried. cant write too much again..at work..busy...things went okay with Jim on Saturday...we are scheduled for a new york city saturaday this weekend..its his birthday.
Ill write when I can! ciao!

2002-04-19T16:53:00.000-04:00

today is friday!!
today, I got a french manicure on my toes. today I got my legs waxed..and it was horrible!! I am exhausted. Tonight is the ice cream social at my son johns school.....

my pc is broken and I feel very cut off from my fun internet friends. This weekend, I will see Jim. I cant write much, since I am at work..but have a good weekend everyone...peace out!!

2002-04-17T07:26:00.000-04:00

WOW

yesterday Pat and I FINALLY found an investor for a 1.1mil. loan...it was very tough, the guy....a super wealthy trust fund dude..had almost no paper trail...all these "entities"...to hide his money...we had to do tons of investigation to get him stabilized. Whew! We worked for about 2 months on this deal...what a relief!

Anyway....it appears my comments do not work again...and chris has abandoned me...so I guess I am back to plain blogging for NOW PEOPLE. Does anyone remember that traveling show called, "UP WITH PEOPLE"? I remember going on class trips in elementary school to see it at the Garden State Arts Center in beautiful Holmdel NJ.

I read an interesting blog the other day about how many people only have "virtual friends". You know....that aspect of life in this day and age REALLY frightens me. People....get out of your houses....interact! Jim was telling me about an invention called a hollidex (sp?) anyway....where you can sit in a room and be anywhere in the entire world....or meet anyone you want...all computer generated. Oh..I think I will go to the South of France now...BAM! oh...I would like to meet John Lennon....BAM! I told him that would be perfect for him...since he hates to travel...but I need to see the REAL THING>...

I think we need more humanity...more interaction with the flesh...less of this virtual crap. This medium is for information and education...not friendship...I mean, YES....I have many virtual friends...but....When you meet these virtual friends in real life...its NEVER what you think it was..NEVER! Is that I crime? I dont know. Its fun stuff..but we need to go out and LIVE too! Oh well, to each thier own. Live and let blog.

2002-04-15T21:33:00.000-04:00

Hello BLOGLANDERS!

Its monday night..it was very warm here on the Jersey Shore to day...almost 85f or something. I was in the office all day...broke out to drop off some film so I have some cool photos to post here...I hope I can use the scanner at work tomorrow to get them off to blogmaster chris..(*wink*...*nudge*...help a fellow 40 year old out...buddy?)

I feel like CRAP physically. I think I have allergies or something. Im fine in the office..but if I go out into the pollenated world..I feel HORRID. I took my nightly woods hike..and afterwards...gag..I feel all sore and pukie. dizzy...sweaty..not pretty. I was having hot flashes at work all day. Maybe its post-tramatic stress. Whenever I have a problem...like the latest Jim-thing..I tend to get all puffed up...but underneath I am DYING.

Lets face it..how many chances for love do I have left? Especially to be in love with someone like Jim, who...is just as quirky as I am...he is less quirky I think...way more stable...and I mock him for his strength...oh I am such a caustic bitch. I dont know why he puts up with me. I guess because he loves me..and he knows I dont mean it...But I cant help but pause and think about what Chris had to say about abusers. I can be verbally abusive...I can be emotionally abusive. I am far from perfect.

Anyway..thats what this blog is all about..my need for change. Everyone needs to change or they become stagnent....green, moldy...and eventually shrivel up and die. Jim and I are getting together this saturday. We havent seen each other in over three weeks. He told me he wants to make up with me the "right" way...I wonder what that means...besides incredible sex? He told me he wants to apologize...but face to face. Interesting. I never thought he would admit any blame for anything. Love is a mysterious thing, isn't it? Make a strong man weak....

I know I rant and rave about him...but deep down, its my fear of it NOT working and of it WORKING...sheesh. Im a head case...!! Does anybody know what Im talking about?? I love him...I have been hurt so many times that I am building up an immunity...but I can still forgive and move on...I am good about that...sometimes it takes a while, but eventually...its all good. I can honestly say I harbor no resentment...even toward men who have done completely horrible things to me..oh shut UP!

Anyway...here I am...feeling queasey...needing a hug....I have tightness in my chest...pain in my neck...my head hurts...I need comfort. maybe a hot bath will suffice? Good night...

2002-04-13T14:39:00.000-04:00

Saturday...

First of alll...thank you Chris for fixing my comments. I am having a bit of a break in the action today. I have been up since 7...took kate to a school thing at 8, johns little league parade was at 8:30, the girls Softball parade was at 10:30, the team pictures where at 1:30 and they all have games at 3:00 on different fields on opposite ends of our town...which is VERY HUGE. John decided to have a bout of diarehha in his uniform, so BACK home to wash everything..thats what I am doing now..while he is in the shower. He has been complaining of a belly ache..and now this..I dont think he should play, but he insists he feels better. oi vay!'

My nephew danny is with us. Jim decided that we need another week of healing...which suits me just fine..I am WAY too busy to be schelping around with him tonight. All I want to do is go to my brothers house, lay out on the beach and watch the sun go down after the baseball games are over. I am so SPENT from this week.

See you later!

2002-04-12T12:29:00.000-04:00

Guess where I am?

I stopped at an internet cafe on 5th and 38th just to check some stuff online...hehehhe..and this is the coolest computer I have ever used. Just thought I would share that with you. the screen is gigantic and flat...and the speed is incredible!

Have a nice day...Im having a cappuccino

2002-04-11T20:19:00.000-04:00

Thursday!
ahh HA! Im taking a personal day tomorrow to get my car insurance....registration.....blah blah...then going into manhattan and knocking about for a while...wanna come?

I went to the GAP on the way home and bought a crisp white linen blouse and a smokey turquiose cami to go underneath...and a BIG BLACK very cool tote thingie...that really sort of looks like a bag for a lap top...but I love it...it will be a great city bag...to load up stuff that I buy...

anyway...Im feeling much better today...looking forward to an adventure tomorrow. I love taking adventures. How about you?

2002-04-10T21:44:00.000-04:00

Wednesday Night

Im still feeling pretty blue. That might be a good thing..since blue is my favorite color and I look really good in blue...but feeling blue is kinda funky. I have been getting quotes on auto insurance all day...also getting lots of rejections because my driving record stinks and nobody wants to insure me. That makes me feel sort of blue..introspectively...I wish I didnt HAVE to drive at all...its so damned expense, and the wreak I have made of my driving record is very disheartening..because, I LOVE TO DRIVE! I always seem to ruin the things I love. Massive subconscience self-loathing, no doubt.

Im trying to avoid the occassion of speaking to Jim, because of my mood....I am afraid I will say something awful and hurt his feelings...and we are so fragile right now. Artists are so damned emotional and sensitive. Its good and bad. Its good..because its GOOD...I couldnt stand to be with an unemotional man. Its BAD because I am a caustic, sarcastic woman..and I say LOTS of inappropriate things that I wish...after saying them, that I could retract. Since I am blue...and pissed at the "insurance" world..but that is MY fault for being a careless driver.....I might say something wretched. Now I know why lots of people like thier privacy....I have been learning that too much talking isnt a good thing!

I have had PMS for weeks now...If I dont get my period soon...I might spontaneously combust! I hate this....the emotionalism, the anger, the bloating...it SUX!!!!!! well...thats it...good night...I need rest.

2002-04-10T07:59:00.000-04:00

Hello Love...Good Morning!

That was the famous line from one of the DJ's on WABC the AM radio station (new york) I grew up listening to. I think his name was Cousin Brucie..or Harry Harrison...I cant remember which one.

I was feeling pretty low yesterday...then when I got home, there was a beautiful email from Jim. He wants to work things out, do whatever it takes. It was very enlightening. It seems he realized that special connections, chemistry...love...doenst happen everyday...to some, never. Most of his idiocyncracies (sp?) have nothing to do with me....and he realizes it.

So in my heart, I have put things in neutral. Lets see what happens. I am just glad that I dont have to feel sad.

2002-04-08T19:53:00.000-04:00

Monday

Jim called me at work today. He sent me an email telling me I am the source of all of his anxiety...then he calls just to "hear my voice"....and tell me he loves me and misses me...I dont know what in the world this man wants. I spoke to him...we went around in circles again about how this isnt going to work if he wont make an attempt..blah blah blah...

You know...when its over with me..its OVER. I dont like phone calls..or being friends...or mercy fucks...or any of that crap. When its over...its OVER...kaput!

I dont think its over...I am going to ask him, if he calls again...what his plan is to make this work. If he has no recourse..then I will tell him to not call anymore. Hardball, I know..but I just cant stand dragging things out and playing mindgames.

On a lighter note...I am totally into Jasmine..Jasmine Tea, Jasmine Rice...its the best aroma in the world! Tonight I made my self a lovely flounder filet with Jasmine Rice and a gorgeous salad...then went out for a 2 mile hike in the woods. I feel very connected in the woods...I can almost feel the spirits of nature enveloping me...weaving inside my soul...

Up at the lake there was a duck sitting on a nest of eggs..very near our driveway. It was odd, I thought that she would build the nest in such a high traffic area...the coolest thing is when we walk by she totally flattens her body out to cover the nest and sort of buries her face in an attempt to hide...its so cute! I cant wait until the baby ducklings hatch!

2002-04-07T22:10:00.000-04:00

Sunday...Sunday...Sunday...

Okay...last night was pretty fun...but Phil, I found out, has a problem keeping his pants zipped...so I dont think I want to get involved with that. Plus, being out last night just made me miss Jim really badly...ugh. Its a lonely world out there. Lots of lonely people just looking to hook up. I think I have had my fill of the bar scene for another six months or so. We did have fun, though, it was good to see everyone out having a good time. Gina didnt show up...I was hoping she would.

Today I really just felt depressed. Laura came over with the kids for dinner, which perked me up a bit. She understands Jim's anxiety problems. She had similar symptoms a bunch of years back. It was pretty bad for her, she sort of had a meltdown. Jim actually knows that he is headed for a meltdown... but isnt doing anything about it. I wrote to him, telling him I would help him in anyway I could to ease this anxiety of his...but he didnt respond. I tried to tell him how fun the summer could be if he would compromise a bit...he could come down, we could go to the beach, sit on my brothers deck and watch the boats sail by...barbecue...go out sailing...it would be really great for him just to get out of the city and relax. Oh well, I guess I cant force him into my brand of fun.

I just really miss him...I am over my anger and I miss him..but I guess that doesnt change the reality of the situation. I just dont think I could date someone casually...we are way past casual. This is hellish. I love him, but he is so stubborn...and I realized that his stubborness, arrogance, rudeness....is all to cover these anxiety issues. Man...I gotta relax. He is a big boy..he can do what he wants...I need to step back and just live my own life. Thats what I like about the blog. I can write down all this stuff. thank you, blog..for being here.

2002-04-06T07:44:00.000-05:00

Saturday!

Groovey. I love Saturday its my most favorite day of the week. AND now I am not shackled into the Hoboken trek, so its even better! Jim wrote me one of his famous disserations on how and why I disappoint him and make him feel inadequate. I'm telling you, the man needs a mail-order bride. No normal woman would put up with his antics even as long as I have. He stated that he does not want me to call him for a few days(AS IF! I am the one that ended the last conversation...sheesh! here's a dollar, take a ride on the CLUE BUS!) and only contact him through email (coward). Hope hes not holding his breath. One thing I have learned, silence is golden. He is the one scrabbling around for answers...and the only answer I want to hear is compromise...hows that for an oxymoron!! hahahhaa...

SO..today...the kids woke up, they want waffles, so I have my beligian waffle iron plugged in, getting nice and hot...my nephew danny stayed overnight last night. Danny has downs syndrome, did I mention that? I am his most favorite auntie, Angie is his refuge, his Mom says....after breakfast we will travel to the beach, get Johnnie a haircut, then Pherrin visits the eye doc...she wants to try contact lenses..hehehe...its her yearly exam...lets see how this pans out. Then its back home, John has baseball practice and the girls have a meeting of their softball team. Every year, the teams get together to construct a banner to walk in the opening day parade...so they have that...then...

We are all getting together...Me, Jeanne,Gina, Albert, Marisa, Michelle, Steve, Dan, Laura, Alma, Tony, Erin (alma's cousin)..to see Damian's (Gina and Laura's brother) band down in Seaside. They are all getting rooms...staying overnight, but I think I will go home. I am the designated driver...so...I have no need to crash out in a moldy seaside motel..hehhee...Marisa has been wanting me to meet this guy Phil in the band for a while now...so who knows...At least he lives and works locally and DRIVES..sheesh. Laura tells me he is the best looking guy in the band! Divorced...I wonder if he has kids, too?

I think it might be better if I dated a divorced guy who had kids. Or maybe a school teacher? or maybe I'll just wait and see who God puts in my path.

In any event, have a wonderful day muchachos and muchachas...(is that correct Spanish, Chris?)

2002-04-05T07:07:00.000-05:00

Blog, am I glad to see you!

Okay....I am truely done with Jim. I am tired of having to be the one holding this thing together, always apologizing for my opinions, doing all the traveling, deciding what we are going to do....screw it! I am tired of dealing with a paranoid, stubborn, arrogant, hateful pothead. There is no place in my life for that. I told him a few nights ago, I dont want reefer around my kids, or me, for that matter....he shows alll the classic signs of a pothead. No initiative, never wants to leave his house, fearful of EVERYTHING, paranoid...

I am tired of doing all of the travelling, all of the planning...just to have him shoot it down, he wont even consider getting off his lazy ass and come down here to be a part of my life, my family...etc. I have had my brothers family invite him to numerous event only to have him decline constantly....and then he tells me I am making him feel guilty because he can't travel....hes too interested in staying home and getting stoned.

SCREW THAT. I simply do not see any future with a man whos biggest goal in life is retireing to Florida with the other old folks. Hes already an old fart at 37! Personally, I think he has an anxiety disorder and the marijuana makes it worse....but he wont hear of that. I cant do it anymore. I need to be out and about..not spending my entire weekend sitting on his futon, watching him get stoned, eating takeout and watching TV...what the heck is THAT? He doesnt even want to GO OUT to eat any more.

He has obvious mental problems that he is trying to blame on me, but hey...this is NOT normal behavior....and I dont need to be involved with another drug user...no way!! I had no idea how deeply he depended on it...or how deeply it has affected his psyche.

So, for me..and my kids, I have to let this one go...throw back. He keeps talking about how much he LOVES me...more than I will ever know..but sheesh...he doesnt love me enough to be part of my life after 6 months...forget it! I cant waste anymore time..its clear to me that its going no where.

2002-04-02T19:08:00.000-05:00

The Human Race has one effective weapon...Laughter.
~Mark Twain (samuel clements)

You know, Samuel Clements was a fine name....I know the exotic sound of..."MARK TWAIN!!!" being shouted on the mississippi was too enticing for the young author to resist...but I still like the sound of Sam Clements.

Im feeling somewhat renewed. This is a bad thing because I had yet another battle of wills with Jim...and hes giving me that bogus silent treatment. BUT come on! Listen to this.....He told me...that if we had a swimming pool he wouldnt let my children's friends swim in it unless thier parents signed a release waiver. HELLO! He is so paranoid...and to think...this would be MY house. never. not in a million years would I be so ungracious as to invite someone over and make it a legal proceeding.

The problem with Jim is that he has no family ties, no experiance with children...He thinks everyone is out to get him.....Im thinking maybe this isnt gonna work out. Paranoia? Not a Fan. He is REALLY paranoid. I cant deal with it...I cant live my life in fear...I love to travel, to talk to new people, experiance life....the life he watches on TV. Hes big into TV...for obvious reasons...he works in Television..but I HATE TV!! I think its the bain of our exsistance. Hes pimping for the devil as far as I am concerned.

Im not going to talk to him. Im unplugging my phone tonight. Im putting my calls on auto forward to voice mail tomorrow....I just cant do this anymore.

2002-03-31T21:29:00.000-05:00

Anybody remember a movie called, "The Rutles"? It is a Lorne Michael's produced (SNL) spoof on "The Beatles" its so funny! Monty-Python cast members and SNL people abound in the cast...its brilliant..I watched it this afternoon.

2002-03-31T21:26:00.000-05:00

Hey...I just got back from taking my Johnnie boy to see "Ice Age". It was pretty dull..but touching, I cried...but I always cry. People take bets on when I am gonna burst into tears at movies. Its awful. I have been feeling extremely angry lately. Like...LASHING OUT...SLAMMING DOORS...CURSING...maybe its that chocolate/caffeine...oops I havent exercised in 2 weeks...stress overload?....Or it could be "The Lunar Pull" part phase of the moon, part PMS...yeah..ooh yeah...thats it. It suddenly dawns on me...Im a psycho for a week..coming up. damn. LIFE doesnt have to be this way! RIP IT OUT....I dont want anymore kids...I had my tubes tied after john...what the heck do I need a hormone addled uterus for? Fallopian tubes? TAKE A HIKE.. OVARIES? who needs em? My eggs are too old to donate! So Im forty....FORTY...sheesh..when did that happen?

2002-03-31T17:09:00.000-05:00

okay..so I have been doing a bit of research into this whole Easter traditions bit. EGGS...okay...ancient pagan rituals....Bunny that laid eggs, also Anglo-Saxon pagan legend....chocolate eggs and bunnies, blame the Germans. Easter finery...christians...no where does it talk about TRAMPOLINES. Its not mentioned...gifts other than eggs. Victorians did the card thing....but they are big on that rubbish. If you want to know more, I have details but I just dont choose to type them in at this juncture...My fingers are bloated from the salty ham.

2002-03-31T14:04:00.000-05:00

You know what I dont "get"? Presents for Easter. I dont know if this is a National phenomenon or an East Coast Exclusive...but it seems that all of a sudden, people are giving and recieving gifts on Easter. My kids called me at work last thursday and informed me that they didnt want Easter candy....they wanted a TRAMPOLINE (&$^#*@@!!!) what??

Their friends family give them these elaborate gifts for easter...when did easter sunday become about presents? I thought it was about flowers and candy...you know another reason for card and candy and florist concerns to reap the benefits of our grotesque consumerism.

Nobody bothers with the true meaning of Easter...even less than the true meaning behind Christmas...I mean...okay...the spring bonnets and fancy dresses where okay...but TRAMPOLINES?

Why cant we be happy with dyeing eggs and eating cheap waxy chocolates....followed by a salty ham? I did go to church also...I think I need to start doing that again on a more regular basis. My son John and daughter Pherrin choose to attend services every Sunday...I rarely go...Kate hates church..but you know...I am a deeply spiritual person. I know that the Hand of a Higher Power has intervened in my life numerous times. I just dont feel especially comfortable with organized religion.

2002-03-30T02:37:00.000-05:00

Sheesh...have you ever felt that Vertigo feeling when you go over a bridge? I get it when I drive over the Driscoll Bridge which traverses the Raritan River here in Joisey. RIGHT at the top....that butterfly in my stomach lurch...Man...I love to drive....but sometimes if I think about it...its scary..flying at 80 mph...in a tin can. Tonight I also drove over the Pulaski Skyway...thats a cool thing...I was exiting the NJ Turnpike at exit 14....got on Route 9 and as I headed toward the Skyway on an overpass...Newark Airport to my left....there were numerous planes landing RIGHT over my head...oh wow. That freaks me out sometimes...basically because I want to WATCH the planes land..but I have to watch the highway..and they are RIGHT overhead..its such a rush.

Tonight was clear, the moon was full..New York City was shimmering.....hustle bustle....no place like it. Today I fried chicken at 7 am..in my flannel nightgown...I was attacked by flying grease....I have these highly unattractive burns on my upper chest...but the chicken tastes really good...Its past midnight now...so I can eat meat. GOSH..even though I am no longer a practicing Catholic it still freaks with my head to eat meat on Good Friday. What a religion. Priests should be allowed to get married. Thats all I have to say on THAT subject. its too complex to debate.

WELL...I dont know what happened to my comments thingie...? Anyways....good evening, morning...whatever it may be in your world.

2002-03-28T21:56:00.000-05:00

HA! KIDS! I have FIVE!! Thanks for your comments, guru...spoken like a true parent. My entire life revolves around my kids...would you like to know about them? Marisa is 24...she is a gorgeous sucessfull accountant, engaged to a CPA...they just bought a home. Tommy is 18...he lives with my ex-husband on a lagoon in Toms River NJ. He studies film editing at the Philadelphia Art Institute and is a road manager for an up and coming NYC rock band...he also sells vacuum cleaners at Sears. Pherrin is 13...she is a straight A student and athelete, she wears glasses and braces she is taller than I am. Kate is 11...kate is sporty spice..all star athelete, super friendly..average student..Johnny is 9..he is an honor roll student, plays baseball, basketball and sings in the school chorus. My last three children were born of my second marriage to an abuse drug addict....who as subsequently died of the AIDS virus.

So...gentle readers...I am a super mom...I work full time, support three children on my own....Jim is the light spot...yeah...my kids are the entire focus...Jim is the fluff..the fun...so sue me! hehhhee!! Hows that?

2002-03-28T21:07:00.000-05:00

Thursday?

Man, the days are flying by. Thursday...its our last day at the office, since the powers that be are Roman Catholics, we have Good Friday off. I have my Easter Dinner all set...A big HAM (ooh...once a year wont kill me....) glazed with pineapples and cherries...sweet potatos, little red potatos, asparagus, corn, salad, dinner rolls, various relishes...and for dessert...french vanilla cream puffs...I am going to bake myself...yum! I am also going to bake brownies and chocolate chip cookies...like having 50 lbs of chocolate candy in the house isnt enough!!

Tomorrow we are going to color eggs...this year I bought the BIGGEST white eggs I could fine...extra JUMBO...I am going to fry a bunch of chicken up...its funny...Jim told me that is his favorite thing in the world to eat is really good fried chicken. Coincidently, I was watching the food network last weekend and they did a special on fried chicken...so..kismet! I have never made it before..and being a native of the NY metropolitan area...it should be different..hehhe...so, I am going to pack him a basket of fried chicken, and make him up an easter basket filled with goodies and bring it up to Hoboken tomorrow night.

I think I am going to start using mass transit for these dates...Gasoline is SO FRIGGIN' expensive these days...its almost $1.50 a gallon now...and in my gas sucking turbo engine, it takes about half a tank to get up there....plus the tolls...which add up to about 6 dollars...(you in the mid-west and west are lucky...we have these AWFUL toll roads..its such a rip-off!) So...the round trip ticket to manhattan is 20 bucks...then a buck on the PATH train to Hoboken..so for only a few dollars more, I can leave the driving to someone else.

I really got scared the other night driving home...I almost fell asleep at the wheel..it was really too much.
Plus, I was hoping Jim might get the hint that taking mass transit isnt the end of the world and come to visit us down here more often....as a city dweller, he has no car...see??

2002-03-27T07:09:00.000-05:00

Wednesday

WOW...I cant believe its Wednesday already!! I started my new position yesterday, learning the cyber method of processing mortgages. I was a mortgage processor back in the mid-eighties, but then...we used selectric typewriters and snail mail....oh, and NO WHITE OUT! ahahaha...

My how things have changed...everything is known through your SSN (social security number)..its AMAZING the information I can find out about people. The history of your life, basically...definately the history of your financial life.

So..its good, Im so happy to be in a different department on another floor in a different wing...whew! My co-workers are very nice, very friendly...they go out to lunch together, go out afterwork together...its NICE...not like marketing where everyone basically hated each other...I found that to be exceedingly stressful.

This is the first job I have ever had that actually challenged me and gave me an inkling of a career...one I never suspected for myself, being a latent hippie. FINANCE? never!! But low and behold, I find it very interesting! I just past my first year anniversary with the firm.

Things are going very well with Jim...he has started a new tactic which I like...we write quick emails to each other all day long instead of the long drawn out convos on the phone...which usually end up in some sort of arguement. I asked him if we could NOT talk on the phone so much during the day...especially while I am training for my new job...its too exhausting. So we play this sort of email "tag" only saying the sweetest things to each other. We spoke on the phone last night for 2 hours though! One thing..we never run out of topics!

So my dear cyber pals, have a fabulous day and dont forget to write! Angelissima

2002-03-26T00:31:00.000-05:00

Monday
wow. im really tired! I just got back from dinner with jim..the city was gorgeous. its raining but that makes the WTC memorial lights shine opaque....very noticable.

I almost fell asleep twice on the road. ugh. Im going to bed...but I just wanted to post a piece. more tomorrow...ciao all.

2002-03-22T18:41:00.000-05:00

We all want to be loved

I realized something tonight. It was like a lightbulb when on over my stubborn head. All the man wants is to be supported, to have companionship, a partner...in life. And I wasnt being that person. I was being a total bombastic bitch. I have a tendancy to chase men away with my vicious tounge. OKAY...THATS STOPS TODAY! I have had a mental breakthrough. I am not going to attack Jim any longer....I love him way too much. What the hell was I thinking? I was fast-tracking the demise of us.

I feel really good now. Very settled. We had a long long long talk and it was totally productive. We discussed how to make the relationship work rather than how to destroy it and ourselves along with it. Its EASY. be nice! Just be nice and supportive. Why is that so difficult for me? I am really a mess...but I am working on it.

2002-03-22T07:15:00.000-05:00

Finallly Friday

Still no word from Jim after he hung up on me Wednesday night. Typical. Insecurity masted by Pride and Arrogance. He won't call...

Anyway...Manhattan was cool. I ended up meeting one of my dearest friends whilst waiting for the bus home. We had a nice long chat, made the bus ride go much smoother and quicker. I told her about Jim and about his paranoia..she actually empathized, being a city dweller, about his fears. I guess I am so insulated that I dont realize the trauma that can come from citylife. Jeanne is also exceedingly paranoid in my book...but as a woman it seems okay...protection mode. Anyway...she brought be back to earth on the Jim subject...but I am not ready to speak to him yet. I know his heart is in the right place. I know he has had lots of heartache and he also has abandonment issues from childhood. I just dont want to be this man's whipping post. fuggitaboutit.

So I am trying our new skill, CHRIS, sitting back and watching...lets see what happens, shall we? Like the Mary J. Blige song..."No more Drama in my Life" I have come so far from that....not without hard work, mind you. I cant go back.

Everyone...have a wonderful, productive, stellar day!!

2002-03-21T07:13:00.000-05:00

Good Morning ....

You know what is making me really feel sick inside? My boyfriend. He has been nickle and dime-ing me for a while..its REALLY starting to get on my nerves. OKAY...latest fight...about TIFFANY of all things. I mentioned that I might shop there tomorrow...and his comment was..."Oh I have been there quite a few times"...so of course I ask why...and he starts with the..."Oh...you dont want to hear about it...gifts I bought in my past relationships"...duh...YAH..okay..so..of course I KNOW who he bought object d'art for....and well, I made the comment..."things from her.."list""....see, with this woman...they would set a budget and give each other LISTS of gifts that they wanted....HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT? But I didnt say anything...I just asked..."what kind of stuff"...innocently...WELL...that lead into his usual barrage of.."DONT I SPEND ENOUGH ON YOU?" "MAYBE I DONT MAKE ENOUGH MONEY FOR YOU" "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I HAVE SPENT ON YOU?"..and then I get that fucking laundry list of ALL THE MONEY JIM HAS EVER SPENT ON ANGELA FOR GIFTS....cough..gag....ewwwww!!! Dont get me wrong, I appreciate everything he has given me...He has this paranoid thing going on that hes not good enough for me...its exhausting.

First of all...I TRY once again to explain...its NOT ABOUT MONEY. He goes into this rant about his old girlfriend and how they had the budget so that she wouldnt spend too much on him and make him feel bad...what???? I told him...I dont give a shit how much he spends on me...I dont care if he never bought me another thing...and of course he doesnt believe me because ALL WOMAN ARE GOLD DIGGERS in his eyes..so...he got this tidbit of information out of me...the salaries of my ex-husband and last boyfriend..and it was more than he makes...so of course..HES NOT GOOD ENOUGH...

Im telling you..this is really getting exhausting. I cant stand pettiness, especially with worldly things. Spirit is all that matters to me. Money is GREAT sure..we all need it...but to constantly listen to this...I cant deal with it.

ANYWAY...Im going to Manhattan!!!! ciao babies! any and all commentary is appreciated. I think we are going to break up..personally. I am at the end of my rope with his paranoid pothead crap. His headstash is worth a Lucinda Diamond RING!

2002-03-20T20:53:00.000-05:00

The Lucinda Engagement Ring!

2002-03-20T19:16:00.000-05:00

You know whats good?

Cheap cookies. Of course, pepperidge farm cookies, especially Milano REALLY rule..but much can be said for the lowely iced oatmeal or choc chip ..store brand. Comfort Food.

Tomorrow I am travelling into Manhattan for the day....just me...alone...I need a day alone in the city. I like being alone...its such a rare thing...Im NEVER alone. I feel like I need to escape sometimes. I take a personal day, I dont tell my kids were I am going...and I go. I think I will go to Tiffanys. I have never been there. One of my all time favorite movies is Breakfast at Tiffanys, with Audrey Hepburn. Gosh, she was so cool.

There is a ring at Tiffanys. Its a new style of engagement ring called Lucinda. Its very unique...very gorgeous. Tiffany has inspired so many jewelry trends, it boggles the mind. I'll bet that most of you dont realize that tiffany invented the toggle bracelet..essentially the toggle with the dangling heart. Its copied a million times...anyway..this new Tiffany settting...is so friggin cool. It looks best with a princess cut diamond. (square..but not emerald)

In my deepest darkest dreams I wish Jim would buy me that ring. but...I wont ever tell him.

2002-03-19T07:25:00.000-05:00

Tuesday...

Well its tuesday morning and I should really be getting ready for work but here I am at the BLOG. GOOD NEWS...the buddie john was having trouble with...they worked it out....friends again. WHEW!! I was so torn by my instincts as a mom to step in..and everyone else around me saying to let him fight his own battles...

You know whats cool? To sit back and watch situations unfold. My mom has mastered this. She gave up trying to give advice, etc...unless she was asked...and even then she is switzerland....BUT ANYWAY...its so cool to have a bit of patience these days. Even though, especially when it comes to matters of the heart, I am NOT patient...I want to stir the pot endlessly to get what I want. I need to chill. I am CHILLIN'. This is my motto of the week. CHILLY WILLY.

With work..I was patient...I eventually, and sooner than expected received an opportunity for major growth within my firm. With Jim..I need to be more patient. Sometimes, and I guess its because of my past relationships, I tend to blow things out of preportion. I trusted many men only to be stepped on...but hey...gotta live, gotta love. You know what I mean? Not every man is EVIL not every woman is EVIL. If that were so...wouldnt we be living in HELL? I dont know...just an analogy.
\
HEY...I know lots of folks visit this page...use the comment field once in a while...feedback baby...its all we have here in cyberspace. Have a NICE DAY!

2002-03-18T12:43:00.000-05:00

Its a terribly nasty rainy day today. I am at work and I cannot wait until my promotion takes effect and I can move from the department that I am in. I cant deal with "uncommon" sense..incompetency...and so forth.

I am worried about my son John. He is being bullied by some kid on the bus. I am praying for him today. There really isnt much I can do about this. It would only make it worse if I tried to fight his battles for him...oh well, boys rite of passage I guess.

Yesterday I watched a really cool classic film named, "GIANT". It was the last film that James Dean was in before his death. Elizabeth Taylor and Rock Hudson also starred.. a young Dennis Hopper. Very epic adventure of Texas ranching and oil baronning....

2002-03-17T20:38:00.000-05:00

How come (my mom used to say...How Come was an Indian...which wouldnt be PC these days) When I am with Jim...all the stupid crap we fight about doesnt matter? Its like, when we are together and either of us says something stupid..its no big deal because we smile or give a look...and its okay. Thats why the phone and definitely the internet only mode of communication is really EVIL...

Anyway...our weekend went very well...Especially this morning when I woke up early and snuck (snuck..is that a word?) out of his apt. and up to Washington Street...for flowers, coffee, fruit and pastries...the sun was just up...it was crisp out..and it felt really good to walk a bit...after another mind bending night.

How come...when I am with him...I feel so good..so balanced, completed...myself as I am supposed to be...away from the person I HAD to become to survive. I do not regret the past, however...nor my circumstances now...I am doing the best that I can with what I have to work with..and I never give up. Always striving to make things better for my children and myself. Just performing those simple gestures for Jim this morning I felt really good about it...I want to make him happy and I know that I do...its so much easier to be nice and generous..the key is to truely expect nothing in return...that is the complete joy of giving.

2002-03-14T21:09:00.000-05:00

Take a ride on the Emotional Rollercoaster!

Oh my..today was a humdinger. UP down....UP again...DOWN way low....UP down..up DOWN up down...
It started off okay...then I found out I got the promotion at work I was hoping for...UP!! Last night I got pissed at Jim because he dismissed me on the phone. So..being the mega-bitch that I am...I left my phone off the hook all night so that he couldnt call me...I made him suffer...he left many many messages. He wrote me an email apologizing...so I accepted and was happy. Then we fought over a massage later in the day. I bought him a gift certificiate for a massage....not knowing that he was totally creeped out by the thought of a stranger touching him...he loves massages from me...so I thought he might actually like a professional massage...ANYWAY...I offered to make the appointment for him...and then things got weird. First, he said he didnt want some old lady touching him (the massuse is about 50 years old..not too bad) then it evolved into..Why not? would you feel better with some young nubile sexpot...(yes, was his original answer...quickly changed to no)...then he made more and more ridiculous excuses...leaving me feeling totally rejected...that he didnt appreciate the gift at all...so I my survival instincts kicked in...and the sarcasic remarks were flying back and forth ..till I finally hung up on him...so childish...anyway...he called back and explained that he just felt really uncomfortable about it..he never had a professional massage before...which I didnt know...oh well..so I wrote to him..telling him I was sorry for over reacting...that I know lots of people who are not comfortble with massage...that I would use the gift myself...no biggie..I love you...amen...he appreciated my understanding...BUT..in the meantime..he wrote a HORRIBLE email to me to a different address...that I just acted like I didnt receive because he was so happy when I wrote to him...and his was time stamped JUST after our converstaion...

ANYWAY..I think we are okay...We are both really edgy...he is coming down this weekend to meet my family for the first time..and he is very nervous about it...I dont know why...but he is. You know how when people are nervous or feeling insecure they blow this smoke screen...(especially MEN) of arrogance and faux bravado...I hate that...just say..OHHH IM NERVOUS!! but he wont...his ego wont let him..so I have to play these stupid chinese food mind games. I know once he gets down here it will be okay.

HELP@!!! men!!! I need advice on how to sucessfully deal with an oversensitive guy. He thinks any little remark or difference of opinion I have is a direct attack on his charactor...its not like that at all...but he doesnt understand.

2002-03-13T16:38:00.000-05:00

2002-03-11T19:22:00.000-05:00

Fell all over again

Something strange happened to me this weekend. I feel like my love for Jim has reached a new level. I can't explain it...I feel like I fell in love all over again. Like...I can't eat. I think about him all the time. Its really great because I know he feels the same way.

Its sort of..um...I don't know. Like...we had the initial attraction thing...then the getting to know you thing...then the boundries thing...and now its a groovy love thing.

Maybe its the 9-11 thing. Maybe I am cherishing how fortunate I am to have found someone that I can share a deep mutual respect with....a trust...a bond...a love like no other. We bring out the best in each other. Like Hellman's Mayonaisse (best foods, west of the rockies).

2002-03-11T07:51:00.000-05:00

Three-Eleven

Last night I watched again in horror the demise of our way of life. Six months ago, everything changed. It still gives me chills to think..to watch...to ponder the horror.

Makes you realize how silly and pointless most of our problems are...but by the same token, we should take the silly and pointless moments of life and cherish each one...each a special albeit, "precious moment".

Every week when I glance over to manhattan...I remember. It gives me chills...and I pray.

2002-03-10T20:49:00.000-05:00

REVENGE OF THE CITRONELLA ANTS

Every spring....here on the farm we experiance the arrival of the Citronella Ant...up from the underground into my downstairs shower stall. WHAT IS IT...a Citronella ANT, you might ask...well, believe it or not that is the correct name for this species of insect...it looks sort of like a termite...but if stepped on..or otherwise crushed or even provoked..it smells like...YOU GUESSED IT...citronella. So, every spring, along with the arrival of the Robin red breast, the pussy willow...and the beloved tree frog...comes the Citronella ant...up in my downstairs shower stall....

I rountinely pour straight clorox down the drain to keep them at bay. THEN..the second part of the process...the REVENGE of the citronella ant takes place. Every spring...my kitchen sink decides to come up in the shower stall also. Those wretched ants must DO SOMETHING down there in the pipes blocking the passage of water to the septic. I havent a clue..it just happens every year.

Unfortunately...it decided to happen during Pherrin's 13th birthday party..hehee... the FLOOD in the bathroom...oh well.

Last night, Jim and I watched Forrest Gump again. I cried like a baby...then we watched...His Gal Friday with Cary Grant, Roslind Russell and a young Ralph Bellamy. I fell asleep 2/3 of the way through...curled up next to James...he is so cozy. We fit so well together. Just Like Peas and Carrots.

2002-03-10T01:55:00.000-05:00

OUTTA SITE!

Tonight I witnessed a test of the 9-11 memorial. Jim and I were walking back, hand in hand, from dinner. It was one of those lovely springlike nights were the wind is warm, just a hint of what might be rain in the air....overcast skies. We noticed 2 odd lights reflecting off the cloud bank...sort of blue-ish in hue. Two lazer beams shooting straight up. yes. thats it. I like the idea...its saves space and is VERY noticeable.

I love James. I can't begin to explain just how very much. How very good it feels to finally find someone you completely meld with. clearly. there is nothing to shadow us. No past memories of love haunting in the background...

I read someones weblog...tonight. I person whom I know is so hung up on this toxic relationship that ended YEARS ago..he still hold the torch...beats himself up with it...ruins all new relationships with the memories. Its very sad. Oh well, that guy has a myriad of problems, "real and imagined". But for the grace of God go I.

You know what is the most stunning of circumstances....the immediate feeling of one-ness and centered-ness I feel when I am with Jim. I never felt this way before. So completely comfortable. It sounds corny, but its the old....2 hearts one Soul thingie. Plugged into Zanadu.

Tomorrow (or today..since its 2 am)...is my daughter Pherrin's 13th birthday. My niece Laura spent the entire night construction and decorating a GIGANTIC BUTTERFLY made completely of CAKE...is must be a yard (3ft) square....lavender and purple...with alll sorts of colours streaming through..it is REMARKABLE! She will have a wonderful party!!!! I bought gigantic butterfly balloons....oh lots of stuff. But the most interesting thing was that Pherrin has started to feel comfortable with her own instinctual style...which is fantastic at her age...and age where everything with other kids has to be approved by their friends.

Anyway, enough for one night..ciao

2002-03-08T13:27:00.000-05:00

Thanks, CHRIS!

Hey if you havent noticed, I have a comments thingie now. Thanks to my electronic pal Chris. I think he is the only person who reads my blog. Which is FAR OUT. I decided today that I am not going to say COOL so much any more...I am replacing COOL with FAR OUT.

I didnt go to work today. John is home sick again...I just got back from taking him to the doc....he has a virus and eczema of all things...so I have to lube him up with some steroid cream (use sparingly) I think that sterilizes men. Oh well. I dunno.

Pherrin broke her pinky toe. They dont put casts on that...so she has to bear it. umm..otherwise today I am cleaning...I sterilized the room that my homobro was staying in...moved John back in there...now I have to move Pherrins bed back to her room...ugh. Its very energizing to clean. I even removed the screens and vacuumed them....and then the outside window sills and all around the outer window frames on the second floor...FAR OUT. Man...that 6 months I spent in the convent really learned me to clean like the white tornado.

yeah, my parents sent me to live in a convent when I was 16. thats a really long story....for another day.

2002-03-07T20:13:00.000-05:00

Sick

Everyone is Sick around here...like..illness. My one daughter has a sinus infection and she fell on her foot so I had to take her to the hospital tonight for x-rays...oi vay. I dont think its broken, but the doc will read the rays tomorrow and let us know. My son John is getting sick too. It just keeps getting passed around. Im eating Cold eeze like candy...I'm not allowed to get sick.... I asked my reiki massage dude to do some special voodoo on my sinuses so that I wont get infected. So far...so good.

OH YEAH...you know what I have been wanting to blog about but never remember late at night...is DRIVING...man, I love driving in Rush Hour Traffic. Its such a cool game...so thrilling...to be driving 85 miles an hour with a whole bunch of other commuters also driving 85 miles an hour...its like blood rushing through veins....then suddenly....A CLOT. I also think that people who dont have to be at work by a certain time ie: housewives, unemployed men and old people should stay off the road until 10 am....unless you can handle driving 85 miles an hour, weaving in and out of traffic...dont go. WAIT TILL LATER when all of us commuting drones are behind our desks...its SAFER! plus, the mall doesnt open till ten anyway....just have another cup of coffee and wait it out.

2002-03-06T18:36:00.000-05:00

You know how when you are young and idealistic you have such wonderful ideas and plans and then your family or friends who are totally negative and pessimistic kill your dreams....? I hate that. Then they wonder why you never really made anything of yourself.

oh well. that was the "watercooler" convo today at work. Everyone could relate, well all of us...dysfuctional losers any way. Hey, I decided long ago that Dysfuctional is the way to go. Everyone has a level of dysfunction....and normal people are just plain BORING....and most successful people in my industry (finance) are arrogant self-centered bastards, so I'll hang with the dysfunctional losers any day of the week...at least we can have a few laughs at our faults and insecurities. You know what's worse? Dysfunctional people that go on Jerry Springer. Now I just can't get behind that. Its one thing to be a status quo loser, but to take it on TV...you have to be really sick. OR...dysfuctional folk who don't know just how dysfunctional they are...thats another scary one...I guess those are the ones that go on Jerry Springer...and think thats cool or great.

I'm just glad to be me...and well, I know I should be more loving and tolerant....I'm working on it...I dont know if it will ever come...Im too sarcastic. Its in my nature...it was part of my upbringing. I know it scares away lots of people, especially men...but oh well...its ME and I gotta be me.

2002-03-05T19:11:00.000-05:00

More True Observations

Real men eat meat. Sorry all you vegetarian guys..but on the whole, you're whimps.

Vegetarian women tend to be aggressive...thus chasing away all the REAL MEN as a result of their constant bashing because they eat meat...and end up miserable because all the vegan guys are wishy-washy, when what they need is a REAL MAN (but they eat meat...its a Catch 22)

I have been vegetarian and non-vegetarian at various points in my life. Lemme tell ya...sometimes, you need beef. I can always do without pork or lamb...but something about beef. BEEF...Its whats for dinner. I know its bad for my health but...hey...so was coffee just a few months ago..now the AMA thinks its a grand and wonderful thing...which it is! So...I gotta believe that one day the beef producers of America will lobby long and hard enough for the Beef cause, line enough pockets so that the AMA will come out and say...."Beef is Beautiful"

I mean what the heck. Those steer where born to die. Its like mink. minks are born to die and become coats for wealthy wives of beefeaters. However, the wives of the weathy beefeaters probably don't eat....oh its a vicious cycle!

2002-03-04T18:51:00.000-05:00

Corrs.

Hey, listen to the Corrs....its the Irish thing to do. Why am I feeling so IRISH today? Well, yesterday I went to a St. Patrick's Day parade in Belmar, NJ. CAN'T GET ENOUGH BAGPIPE.

After the parade, we went to the traditional and still the best after parade party at the Goodwill Firehouse on 7th Ave. All the free corned beef on rye you can handle, my friend...it was sad in a way....lots of "remember our fallen brothers" (9-11) stuff. All I can remember is my own dear brother, Danny, falling later that night after consuming way too much brew...hehee...BUT seriously folks, I get an undescribable feeling from listening to Bagpipes and drums...sort of clannish...instinctual. Jim hates bagpipes. I think you have to have some Celt in you to appreciate it.

I feel good today! I am cooking a pot roast and baked potato...smells sooooooo good. AND by brother Chris, the free-loader is moving his stuff out of my house today..as I type....YES!!! woo hoo!!

Parting thoughts...Listen to the Corrs....Clannad....Enya...Chieftans...Van Morrison....I'd say U2...but...ahh they are too AMERICAN.

2002-03-03T09:50:00.000-05:00

Rainy Night In Hoboken

Last night, I parked my car in a little dunkin' donuts strip mall..,,Hoboken was spotless (no parking spots). After dinner Jim and I watched two Bing Crosby classics, "Going My Way" and "The Bells of St. Mary's" anyway....it was about One AM....pouring rain...windy....I bid a fond farewell and go off into the night to find that my car had been TOWED...!!!!! So, I trudge back...soaked to the skin at this point....we find my car via the Hoboken Police and trek once again about 10 blocks....(we couldnt get a cab....it was sooo impossible)...in the cold, rain and wind...whipping...gale force...to this crappy auto body lot...that stays open all night collecting funds from people who mis-park.

The ride home took forever. The force of the wind coupled with the torrential rains made it almost impossible to see, then if another vehicle passed...the amount of water and mist was tripled...ugh...it took my about 2 hours to get home....

The last time I experienced rain like that was while driving through the Blue Mountains in Tennesee when I was 18 years old...in a van....loaded with music equipment, amps, mics, mixing boards, guitars, monitors...etc., etc....I was in a band called the "Switchblades" in the early 80's....we decided to move to San Diego..like..hello..punk rock was REALLY gonna be popular in southern cali back then...NOT. ANYWAY>>> we had to pull off the road and wait for this horrendous rain to stop.

Now its a bit different...driving in a nice warm Volvo with brand new tires and windshield wipers. I guess Ive come a long way.

2002-03-01T20:10:00.000-05:00

Oh so last night, I went to my chiropractor and he released all the stress in my spine...thank the Good Lord. I feel normal again. I actually had a few good laughs today...and really dark urine. Thats how you know you have had a REALLY GOOD release of toxins. So today I am purging again...lots of water...fruits and veg. Its a shame what stress and anxiety does to our bodies.

Today I got my nails DONE....bought a new lipstick, alls right with the world. You can really feel like a new person with new lipstick. I took Kate and John out to for Chinese food...hehe..we had fun. Tomorrow I am going tanning again...I know it is supposed to be bad for your skin...but it makes me feel good in Feb-Mar..its like sun therapy...I get sort of depressed in winter...in fact...I get pretty depressed from Thanksgiving ON....until the next spring. I wish I lived in California sometimes...except for the natural disasters issues.

I had a bad fight with James on Wednesday...but we made up. Its was that old double insecurity thingie....I am insecure..he is insecure....at times. So..when I am unable to be gracious...and basically not feed into any of the many outrageous remarks he makes...well, he likes to play underdog..but for odd causes. For example...he works in Television, which is loaded with VERY strong women...none of whom can find or keep a man because they are very very very strong willed. SO....James constantly busts them when they blame MEN for why they cant get one...its always the man thats threatened...so they bolt. His take on it is...why not just be NICE...everyone likes to be treated...WELL! imagine that. its longer and more complicated...but he basically doesnt put up with me when I am in BITCH mode...so that was the fight...he has boundries...and so do I....and when they are threatened...we react. Im a cat in a corner...his is...Dont poke a bear with a stick. Neither one of us can EVER just be quiet and act like nothings wrong...we ALWAYS know exactly where we stand.

I like that about him, actually...I hate CLAMS, and when you dont know what a person is thinking....ewww...that makes me crazy.

2002-02-28T00:14:00.000-05:00

Man, my anger is getting out of control..I feel really upset about these murders and its coming out in all sorts of weird ways. I am just feeling so upset, horrified, shocked, appalled..

I have been feeling very anxious and lashing out at my kids, co-workers and even James, who isnt tolerating it very well. I feel like there should be some compassion in the world.

I feel really sad.

2002-02-22T22:05:00.000-05:00

whoa...I knew the single mom also. She is a mutual friend of my friend Gina....Gina introduced me to her when I was selling Herbalife products.... What are the odds of knowing three people that got murdered? I hope I have filled my lifetime quota of knowing victims of violent crime. I feel really shocked...like after 9-11. But not as bad...sheesh. Grief is an odd animal. I havent had much experiance with it. Work was surreal. We had grief counselors come in...I didnt talk to one...I had an appointment with my own therapist...the usual Friday afternoon head-shrinking.

Man, I am so grateful to have my family, my loved ones, my friends....all of the things we take for granted in life...well, if its any consolation...at least Suzanne and her Tom are in heaven together. She just mailed out the wedding invitations. I wonder what it felt like to be shot and killed.

2002-02-22T10:46:00.000-05:00

OMG

one of my co-workers was murdered yesterday in a shoot-out in Toms RIver...she and her finance'...gunned down like dogs in the street. Apparently there was a crazy reluse ex-cop living in the neighborhood who went on a rampage...killed his own daughter, a single mom and suzanne and her boyfriend...it puts things in perspective. Every day is precious.

2002-02-22T07:04:00.000-05:00

SO FINE

yesterday the air temp was over 70F here in New Jersey. What an incredible treat for February...a true taste of spring. What little time I had outside...(taking a break from "making the American Dream" (gag) come true" for da people)...was relished, basking in the soft, sweet spring-like atmosphere....umm...I wonder how the air smelled in Linden...at the "Linden co-generation plant". This is one nasty place. This place...is why NJ gets the bad rap. Its the ARMPIT of the Nation. Ever here that? "New Jersey is the Armpit of the Nation"?

However, I dont want to focus on the ills of Joisey. The Joy of Joisey was this....spring-like surprise...crocus' blooming...daffodils on the way...sunshine day-dream walking in the tall trees, going where the winds blow...blooming like a red rose....Im seeing more clearly as Im singing and walking in the morning sunshine...
humm...wonder if anyone will recognize those lyrics. Let me know if you do!!

I think the greatest work of art...in nature that is...are flowers and seashells. I know I could never live far from the sea. I lived in Colorado Springs for a year back in the early 90's. I couldnt deal with being away from the ocean...even though the WIDEEE open spaces of Colorado were impressive...i felt clostrophobic. When I look out upon the sea...I feel freedom, escape...life...a new life...or where all life started. Im not sure where I stand on that theory..all I know is I feel a PULL to the sea...and its not mental, its instinctual. Chew on that for a while.

2002-02-20T21:30:00.000-05:00

Cold-eeze

Try em....you'll like em! Zigg. Cold-eeze relieves cold symptoms...its like..THE CURE FOR THE COMMON COLD! a miracle. I feel badly for all those who do not have access to COLD-EEZE. All hail the mighty COLD-EEZE.

In other words...please be true. In other words...I love you. I love Frank Sinatra in the morning...I love Frank Sinatra in the fall...I love Frank Sinatra in the summer when he sizzles. What the heck...I think I am spending too much time in Hoboken.

People are starting to treat me differently. Its the "Blondes have more Fun" Phenom. ITS TRUE I tell you. People like blondes better than dark-hairs. Its not a conscience thing. People smile at me with blonde hair more often than with dark hair. People at work are asking me...umm..."whats different..did you lose more weight?" What is it ABOUT YOU...someone said today. DUH. Its the BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN phenomenom....Dark Hairs are taken more seriously....Blondes are more fun. Its the most natural thing in the world...crazy but true. I've lived it....over the years....blonde, brown, red, black....my hair has been all of these colors...and green and pink in the early '80's...which wasnt too cool down here at the shore back then. In fact, it was really difficult to get your hair that color back then.

Rene' gave me an embroidered bag from Aruba today.hehehe...then I was forced to listen to the NOBODY LOVES ME BLUES. Oh man...I felt terrible when she asked me what James gave me for Valentines Day...and well...ohh..just this white gold diamond heart necklace..and just this fab gucci steel watch...but you know....HEY!...I didnt mention the giant Godiva heart...it might have killed her....just the visible stuff..which she picked out right away...I dont know why I dont want to brag about it...I just dont want people to think I am into him for the gifts. He is extremely generous...but honestly...I dont really think about that....I have been "bought" in the past.... and its not a good thing...its not LOVE its STUFF. Who needs STUFF? Not me..I need LOVE. Love is good stuff.

I love how I am not afraid to tell him anything...nor he me...we have our debates...but it always ends up cool...and we respect each other even more. Gosh I LOVE that about him....No matter what....we still love each other. We have made it clear however, that at no time shall we pull out the arsenal of hurtful speak...we are both WAY capable of...I just dont want to use that weapon ever again. Its too powerful...its the nuclear bomb.

2002-02-19T21:52:00.000-05:00

Angry and ILL

Mothers are not allowed to get sick. It just doesnt work. I am driving with a fever to basketball practice...to kinkos for report supplies, to the grocery store for lunch stuff...and I am delirious. I have no one to help me. So now I am overwhelmed. I am overworked at work and overwhelmed at home and sick as a dog. This is not good. I just took AlkaSeltzer Cold and Sleep Aid...I should be passed out any minute now.

Did I tell you that one of the woman in my department got fired for crying too much on the job..hehe..THERE IS NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!!!! Does anyone know which movie that famous line comes from? I have to cover her desk as well as mine...so the days ar going by awfully quick.
Gooooooood nnnniiiiggghhhhhttttt rrrrraaaaaabbbbiiiitttttttttttttttt

2002-02-18T19:43:00.000-05:00

Banana Bread...Im not sure if it tastes right. Kinda bland...needs spice. Chicken Soup is cooking....yeah. I'll be better in no time. It amazes me how many blogs are out there. Some are soooooooo funny...some are so disturbing...some are so pornographic....some are really good. Some are really boring...like mine. But anyone who reads my blog knows I dont care...its ALL ABOUT ME.

2002-02-18T19:24:00.000-05:00

Sick and Tired

Today was a very weird day. I woke up with good intentions of creating a new look for my bedroom...I got out the hammer and nails and fabric...I began construction. THEN SUDDENLY...I felt incredibly ill. So ill...that I had to lay down and watch SPARTACUS...the whole thing. I decided I needed chicken soup so I went out to the butcher and bought a whole chicken and roasted it....while watching SPARTACUS...(as I type i am baking Banana Bread..it smells soooo goood!!!)

ANYWAY...Spartacus. Did you know that there is a scene where Tony Curtis (as Antonius "the singer of songs" slave...hehehhee...he kept his brooklyn accent throughout the movie..its hilarious) is bathing Lawrence Olivier (marcus creasis (sic) the ceasar dude) and they are using Oysters and Snails as metaphores for gay and straight sex? I heard that scene was cut from the original motion picture release, but kept for the re-mastering....(bit o' trivia for you all).

Lots of cool dialogue....umm...Spartacus, I love you...I love you, I love you.....FORBID me to leave you!....I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!! I love you, Antonitus, like the son I will never know...I love you Spartacus, as my father..

Good flix to be sick to...hehe

2002-02-17T21:54:00.000-05:00

ADULT SWIM

There is this program on Cartoon Network on Sunday nights entitled, "ADULT SWIM". This segment is ohh..maybe 3 hours long...and it has the most outrageous cartoons. HOME MOVIES, THE BRAK SHOW, TEENAGE HUNGER PATROL and SEALAB 2121. Its good. Its silly and shocking. Its clean outrageous fun.

DEEP RED VELVET LOVE
My Valentines Weekend was filled with Love...Life is really different. James treats me VERY well. I dont want to brag. He treats me the way all woman should be treated. Love, Respect, Generousity, Affection, Compassion...Conversation, Protection, Concern. I feel extremely safe and loved to ends of the world. I will marry him one day, and I know I will love him forever With A Deep Red Velvet Love.

2002-02-15T07:21:00.000-05:00

Keeping it REAL

I had a hilarious conversation with one of the girls at work yesterday (St. Valentine's Day). Well, we all know that its a silly holiday manufactured by the card/candy/flower mongers of the world...right? (and that is what all the girls who DON'T get a dozen red roses says to quell their disappointment!!) So...I knew I wouldn't receive roses from my man...he's not buying into that predictible crap...which I already knew...hes big on the element of "surprise". So anyway....I have having a conversation with this really stunning girl that I work with...she also has a very good sense of humor...it when something like this....
ANG: "Hey Marilene, has the Tournament of Roses Parade started downstairs?"
MAR: "YEAH, I called Nick (her boyfriend) and asked where my roses were. He told me I'll get my long stemmed rose later tonight"
ANG: "hahhahaha"
MAR: "Well, its so expensive...over a hundred dollars for stupid flowers, I'd rather have new shoes"
ANG: "Yeah...maybe two pair..."
LATER THAT DAY
ANG: "Marilene, look, even Cheryl got roses...what's wrong with us? (sarcasm)"
MAR: "ANG...come on...we are keeping it real"
ANG: "YEAH...we are holding out for footwear!"

anyway.....for all those who may have been disappointed on Valentines Day..check out this site...its frickin' funny.....www.despair.com.
and another good one....www.colorgenics.com

James and I are celebrating on Saturday. I bought him a Claddagh Ring. Hes not Irish, but I am half. For those of you who may be wondering...the Story of the Claddagh...welll, I dont have time to type it now..but basically its a ring comprised of two hand holding a heart that has a crown over it. Its a celtic symbol meaning: Friendship (hands) Loyalty (crown) and Love (heart). I thought it was appropriate. I also found a Godiva store where I hand picked an assortment of Ivory chocolates for him....its cool. I want to find him a new black ribbed heavy duty turtle neck sweater. He has one thats really beat up, which looks awesome on him...and he keeps mentioning wanting to dye it black again...but maybe a nice new one would be even better, eh?

I hope all of my gentle readers enjoyed thier day of "LOVE" ciao, AMO

2002-02-13T20:04:00.000-05:00

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

I love that line. Today I got my nails done. My Manpleasers. I have these really long nails. I started getting manicures about 3 months ago, using this process called "Light Concepts". Its a product that has been used in Europe, originating in Germany about 20 years ago. What it is basically is a layer of this BONDING material; the self-same stuff dentists use to BOND broken teeth...well, they layer this stuff onto your nails...using white and an opaque clear....the manicurist sculpes...these lovely nails....then eventually...like mine are now...your own nails grow...and they continue to layer these super cool stuff on your real nails to keep them strong and in a permanent "french".

ANYWAY....it takes a really long time...like an hour and a half to get this manicure....but it lasts for 3 weeks...it doenst look all nasty like acrylic nails do...without polish. They always look stunning...all the time. Its soo cool. My salon is located in Monmouth Beach. Woman take the ferry down from Manhattan to go to this salon....can you imagine? They dont do these nails in the big apple!

Well...the funny thing is...I never thought I would go for such a thing...you know...the NAILS..its so fakish. but what the hell. In the past 6 months I have lost a ton of weight, grew my hair about 8 inches longer...and I have cool nails..and a sucessful film editor boyfriend who loves me madly....Saturday I am going to get my hair foiled...french foils. French Manicure..French Highlights. Im turning into a supermodel.

2002-02-12T15:22:00.000-05:00

Shampagne Zoopernova

dream a dream, she never dies. someday you will find me, caught beneath a landslide.
cuz we all believe were gonna get away for the summer.

How many special people change. Slowly walking down the hall...faster than a cannonball. Where were you while we were getting high?

2002-02-10T12:17:00.000-05:00

I SMOKED POT!

Last night. I felt like a 17 year old again. Jim and I smoked and started watching classic episodes of SNL. I never laughed so much. AND THEN....well. THAT was an out-of-body experiance for both of us. We felt as if we became one person. Total body/mind/soul emersion. It was a height of love I hadn't reached ever before. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH...its incredible.

2002-02-10T12:13:00.000-05:00

Sunset Skyline.

Swirling pink and cloudless sky. Traces of jet-engine clouds. Mirrored buildings reflecting and refracting. Grey night on the eastern horizon giving a matte back to the western assault. Newark, stark and lifeless. Manhattan aglow. Lights just barely visible on the Empire State....cool blue. Saturday night begins.

2002-02-09T01:45:00.000-05:00

community theater is frightening. Well, enough on that subject.

20/20 called Jim to talk about "Downtown". Hes all the buzz since winning the Festie. Hes psyched for an Emmy. He asked my ring size. I don't know. He took off my princess of power ring and traced the inside.

I am focused and balanced for the first time in my life. Its great to know that there is someone to share love and trust with in this world. It is good to know that their is someone who looks beyond and sees a bright future. Good night.

2002-02-04T18:57:00.000-05:00

Midnight Blue Manhattan

Two Saturday nights ago, whilst the moon was full; I witnessed the deep blue velvet of a moonlight Manhattan sky. It was probably 1 am or so...driving west on route 78 winding my way through the labarinth that is Hudson county...Hoboken, Jersey City, Bayonne, Newark...first across Jersey Avenue to Route 78..once climbing the fantastic overpass, I see the Big City Lights, the Empire State Building, the Chysler Building...other well-lit looming towers of power...but the backdrop...the midnight velvet, that incredible moon. The sky appeared 3 dimensional, giving the buildings, with all thier twinkling lights of night even MORE depth. As I banked one of the turns, suddenly I see the back of the Statue of Liberty....the Verranzano strung with green lights in two perfectly elongated triangles, the Gothels Bridge arched in the same green light. Yellow lights along the Hudson...framing New York Harbor. And then..as always, I look to my left and the bright white light from the gapping hole of Ground Zero brings that sudden sadness. New York City's Skyline is the most majestic sight.

2002-01-28T08:56:00.000-05:00

Last night, I was at the beach when the sun went down. The moon was already up...complete with a hazy shimmering glow...suddenly, as the sun sank deep into the western horizon, the eastern sky lit up a light magenta casting a lilac glow upon the ocean....crescent clouds caressed the moon, she shown like a silvery eye. The western sky was a mango glow. The world seemed covered by a colorful inverted tea cup, half mango, half magenta....silvery eye in the east, red glowing eye in the west.....lilac ocean, bright blue center of the sky.

2002-01-24T22:47:00.000-05:00

Funny how things morph. My birthday was so intense...the most romantic incredible soul touching far reaching over the top sun moon and stars. I have been recognized again at work and given yet another major task. This one is mondo creative, making lots putting the word out.
Jim got a new assignment at NBC and won a New York Film Festival Television and Promotion Award...for his editing of a documentary on the experiance of a Doctor at Ground Zero. We are more in Love than ever. Asked me to marry him..well, he does that everyday. Life is so much better when Love is added. Somehow it seems so enhanced. I have bared every minute of my past with to him, and he to me. Somehow it is comforting to know there is someone in the world with whom you can share anything and still be loved. I want to live all of my days by his side. He is the first man whom I trust completely...I know my life with him will exceed my wildest expectations. Happiness, Peace, Love, Trust, Commitment, Joy, Pain, Pleasure....all of life on the same page.

2002-01-21T17:56:00.000-05:00

Save me from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone.

2002-01-17T13:33:00.000-05:00

blah..blah..blahhhhh When work is dull. Nothing to do...long bond market is dropping off. business is slow. I think I want to find a new job. In a coffee shop...the coffee market wont drop off! Might be fun to meet new people, and see the regulars. Get to know thier coffees, be able to set my watch by their comings and goings. Who needs this office crap? Okay, sure...I make a fair amount of cash, but how much money do I really need? not much. COFFEE. yeah.

2002-01-16T18:18:00.000-05:00

LIFE IS GOOD...GOOD....GOOOD!!!

Today is wonderful! I had such an awful few days, work stress, goofy internet geek stress, but today....ahhhhh...My lawyer told me that due to the mishandling of evidence in my case, it will be dismissed! yeah! Angie wins again!

When I came home from work there was a HUGE bouquet of roses at my front door arranged in an extremely heavy lead crystal (not glass...freakin' waterford!) vase....whoa. Guess who they were from.....you got it. Ladies, hes a keeper. Men...take notes. Friday night we are going up to NYC for my birthday...chez josephine and a buggy ride..hehehe..I have always wanted to do that!!! James is awesome. And the best thing? Hes confident enough not to be threatened by a woman with opinions...in fact some of our best conversations are debates. I am still floored by how ignorant most men are. OH WELL...it doesnt matter!! Love is here....and its a beautiful thing. I love having someone special to talk to, to share my innermost thoughts without fear of reprisal...to be able to plan a future and know that it can actually become a reality with someone who shares my goals for life. Great thing about REAL men....they see into the future and have the guts to make it happen. Im a lucky girl.

2002-01-16T13:16:00.000-05:00

Some people are just so easy to TEASE!!! Its funny to watch the little gigilo ants scurry....

2002-01-15T13:40:00.000-05:00

LIFE SHRINKS OR EXPANDS IN PROPORTION TO ONES COURAGE

.....ANAIS NIN

2002-01-14T22:43:00.000-05:00

AngVicious.

..Im vicious. snarl. why is it that a guy can come right out and say whatever the heck he wants in what ever crude way, and its okay. Heaven forbid if a woman does the same thing. Shes a vicious bitch. But that is the way society is....double standards all the way. Just keep quiet little lady. If you dont agree...keep quiet. We, the white panty-waists of the world are all knowing! Everyone was put on this earth to serve the white panty-waist!

Someone actually called thier blog thier own HOME. yikes. now that is scary.

2002-01-14T19:26:00.000-05:00

Still Reading My Blog....just can't get enough.

You know, there is this odd little society of people who live most of thier lives behind the computer. Perhaps you are one of them. Once I met this guy online and we dated for a few weeks, but he didnt appreciate my visiting the club where he worked and having a chat with his ex-girlfriend. Sure, it was a bold action...but he decided it was WAY over the top and decided he didnt want to have a thing to do with me afterwards. Thats okay...we had nothing in common, and it would have never worked in the long run. The really weird part is that we never spoke after that. We ceased to speak. Only online did we communicate. Sometimes I wonder about this medium. How it dehumanizes us. How feelings can be hurt and concepts taken out of context.

I just had another online "arguement" with this guy. I dont get it. Some people cannot handle any deviation from the latest prescribed "cool" way to act. He actually told me that my innermost feelings regarding my love interest are sick and disturbed. He's probably jealous. This is MY BLOG...any innermost thought I feel like putting down is my call. I dont give a shit who is reading it. This is the same guy who writes about "eating ass" for heaven's sake. I am not going to walk on eggshells in my own forum. No one should. Blog ON

2002-01-14T18:32:00.000-05:00

Sandhill Trek

what ever that means. I was invited to write in THAT blog. I guess my opinions are valued by total strangers. I relish the opportunity to converse with intelligent human beings other than Siskel and WhoEver wannabees.

Right now I am feeling status quo. I can honestly say all is calm all is bright. Life, Love and the pursuit of Happiness are mine. Im in LOVE Im valued by my employer, loved by children, Healthy. No worries. Status quo...easy.

2002-01-14T09:18:00.000-05:00

Peace, back by popular demand.

I was trashed by an FFF (Fat Filthy Friend) of sum yung guy who asked me to write in his blog. hahaha...well, I might actually take offense if this FFF was anything other than a half-baked gothic has-been. If I had to pick any one group that really is annoying it would have to be these out dated Bleeding Heart "rockers". Pushing forty with no future, yet complaining relentlessly about the society they secretly wish to be a part of. B-O-R-I-N-G.

Losers, opting out on life....say this in an English accent: "Boo Hoo, Man...Boo Fucking Hoooooo." Its sickening to me, these so-called "men". Bunch of whiney babies. Complaining about the traffic they sit in. Well, again...if you think this is a problem, take mass transit. Be part of the solution. But, the fact that this guy considered himself a "Loser" because he had no car, well, now you have a car...so, shut-up. Complaining about not having health care, then get a job that provides it. Wawa, Quick Chek, Im sure you are qualified for those jobs and they provide healthcare. So the FFF is too cheap to provide healthcare. hahaha..that is what really got his goat.

This guy has this blog...which he asks everyone he knows to write opionions in. However, God Forbid someone doesnt write something the FFF approves of. Now this fag is screening his entries, because FFF might not like it..... What a faggot. Hello. Get a real job. That FFF is dragging you down. But we all know he is too chicken shit to break the ties....Funny how FFF's can manipulate the weak minded and insecure. OH WELL...not my problem. But this is my blog!! I can write whatever I want!!
I am glad that I have been "uninvited" Let the baby-men talk about thier "rants" as long as its FFF approved. Talk about the man behind the curtain. IRON CURTAIN more like it.

2002-01-12T00:59:00.000-05:00

Life is so Good

Someone accused me of living in a hermetrically sealed life That person doesnt really know me. I guess on the outside it might look all rosey. But you know, I had to work very hard to stabilize myself. I feel now for the first time in years that I have gained some control over what is happening in my life. I have come back to myself. I have opinions and I am not afraid to voice them. I have a great job...I am constantly being promoted and given pay hikes. The partners in my firm recognize my talent and skill and reward me handsomly. I have lost weight my hair is long, I actually get manicures... I feel so beautiful it scares me. The best part is that I have LOVE in my life again....no...the best part is that I love myself again...and that love, which I have created and extended has attracted more love. I am in such a better place. I am fearless...Axis, Bold as Love. I love James so much its lifting me to heights unparelled. I know we will be together always. He said the most astonishing thing to me yesterday..."No one ever fit into my world as well as you do" ....wow. I mean, his world is pretty fabulous....I never in a million years thought I would ever be close to a world like his. not even in the same solar system...man, life can be so great if you just do the right things...the karmatic rewards are incredible. I never expected it...I hoped and dreamed, but never expected. Expectations are Resentments in the making. Expect nothing and always be pleasantly surprised. Ciao loves.

2002-01-10T19:40:00.000-05:00

Adams Family vs. The Munsters

Adams Family totally rules. Favorite Monkee? Mickey Dolenz of course.Favorite Ice Cream...chocolate. Vanilla is for whimps. I love Jim. He loves me.

2002-01-07T20:47:00.000-05:00

AOL SUCKS!
man...AOL has ruined my CPU so many times. Or maybe my gaymulism brother is. oh I dunno. I do know that I am madly in love with a wonderful man. You know what we did last saturday night? ..on his bed for about 3 hours listening to obscure Syd Barrett compositions. candles, etc..the only thing missing was the LSD. In the past year I have met so many people that smoke pot. Its weird. I went from not being in touch with anyone who still smoked to meeting TONS of people who do. I don't. I can't. hehehe...I will turn 40 years old on January 18th!

2002-01-01T22:01:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!!

Well...I can't believe I havent posted here since December 20! Holy Cheese! Wholly Cheese? or Holey Cheese. Anyway...Things are totally fab with James. He might be taking a position with ABC editing a new version of 20/20 "downtown"..hehhe...gosh, I never thought I would end up with someone whose name is on TV every week.

Every day we find out more and more interesting, strange, cool stuff about each other that we have experiance in the same way. Today for example...we found out that we both had lunch boxes that portrayed "Black" sitcoms. His was Fat Albert, mine was a very obscure program called "Julia" starring Dianne Carroll. We have the best time together. We learn from each other...well, probably I learn more...but he did tell me I was the most interesting woman he ever met. You know whats funny about him...you would think that someone in the "entertainment" business would be more or an arrogant or just more worldly. He is very much the homebody which is so cool....he is so talented. His apartment is covered with awards he has recieved for not only editing and producing, but for composing music for various projects...like National Geographic specials and Discovery Channel stuff. He is definately the coolest person I have ever met. And he LOVES ME? WOW.

Lord, I dont know how this happened, but its like I finally found someone I can really groove with....we laugh for hours, we can talk to each other forever. This is a beautiful thing . I can see myself OLD with him. Gosh I love him so much. More than anyone ever.

2001-12-20T07:13:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah. OH YEAH....wow. He loves me. He is taking Friday off from work to travel into Manhattan to pick up my christmas present. gulp. I have no idea what to get for him!! I saw a bunch of cool books at Barnes and Noble that he seemed to be interested in when I mentioned them. I am dumb-founded. We went for dinner last night...had so many laughs....I am totally in love with him.

2001-12-18T08:02:00.000-05:00

Never "for the sake of peace and quiet" deny your own experience or convictions.

-Dag Hammarskjold

I wish I knew when its right to invite a man to play in your secret garden. If it happens too soon and it doesnt work out, I want to blame the "sex too soon" scenario...but...If it happens too soon and I get sick of them...I dont blame sex..but wait...maybe I do..maybe thier penis wasnt big enough or maybe they didnt pay enough attention to foreplay...but usually its because they are cheap or afraid of commitment.

Gosh I just dont know what to do with James. Its so hot, but I am so afraid of getting hurt that I keep making excuses. HEY. I know I think too much about stuff. Lets see...Ive been talking to him online for like 8 months...we had broken a few dates...he had issues with my living too far away for him...we have been on 4 dates since thanksgiving....its totally pink cloud magic....spanish castle magic....

I think he is in love with me. I think I may love him as well. BUT that has happened before. And only FOOLS rush in. Who knows. I could just go for the moment...have the magic and a few good orgasms and hope for the best...time will tell.

2001-12-17T08:36:00.000-05:00

Monday...
Hey today I start my new hours at work!! This is sooo cool. I have lots to do this morning in my house, we put up the tree yesterday and decorated a bit...anyway..I need to exercise and get busy...ciao!!!

2001-12-16T16:55:00.001-05:00

Oh mah Gah. I am so into James. We went out again last night. He is so awesome. It tough to resist him...but I have been sexually. I dont know how much longer I can hold out! I really want this guy...but for keeps.

2001-12-16T16:55:00.000-05:00

2001-12-13T01:45:00.000-05:00

**SWOON**

THUMBS UP! Help me, I think I'm falling.....and I don't wanna ever get up.

2001-12-12T07:19:00.000-05:00

Tonight.

Im having dinner in Joboken with James. Saturday was too far away. Leo's...Grand and 2nd for all my stalker friends. COME SEE: Angela flirting with the MSNBC film editor...WATCH: sparks fly as she flashes smiles and knowing glances. SMILE: As James makes Angela laugh over and over again....WITNESS: fools falling in love.
But hey, ya gotta be in it to win it.

James is working on a documentary for Behind the Music...outlining and producing...TOPIC: Sid Barrett

I have to be very careful here. He is doing a LOT of sweet-talking....but the thing that I love about him, he is brutally honest....so maybe its not your normal "sweet-talk" that guys are famous for. I'm not gonna fall for that "I love you" routine. oh no, not this time...not unless it accompanied by very expensive gifts....of a carat or more. (KIDDING).....its so tough to tell if someone is truely sincere. Especially for me...I am WAY too trusting...and an addict, so anything that makes me feel good...IM IN! patience and tolerance...patience and tolerance. Time will tell....yes.

Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.

-Pablo Picasso

2001-12-11T00:24:00.000-05:00

Secret Agent.

Rene' has come up with a brilliant scheme to get me out from under anal-larry-land. muuuuaaahhhhhhh!! Hope it works...hehehhehee....

James is being really unbelieveably sweet. I think I will marry him.

2001-12-10T17:16:00.000-05:00

My boss SUX.

Why the hell does this guy have to continue to BUST my hump? NOW since I want to reduce the hours I spend in the office, he wants to switch me to an hourly rate. Screw that. Its Ultimatum time. Its not like a make a MINT... sheesh. tightwad. Im doing the same amount of work, just NOT in the office. What is the big fucking deal.

2001-12-10T07:15:00.000-05:00

Can't trust this day.

OKAY...start of a new week. I saw Gina on Saturday and we talked a bit. I think everything will work out with her. Thursday is her 40th Birthday...gotta do something.

Lets see. I didnt get anything done over the weekend. I NEED HELP!! I need a man to help me cut down my christmas tree...hang my wreath on my house...MY brothers are to involved in thier own lives to help. I have asked and they dont respond...they just go on with whatever they are doing. I think I will have to HIRE a chore boy to help me around the house. Don't think I am being lazy..its not that at all....I just need two ADULTS to do these projects.

I did completely clean and rearrange my livingroom. that was exciting....I had to split my cable and run it clear through to the otherside of the room...and of course I wasn't satisfied with the first, second or third arrangements..so me and the kids arranged..rearranged and arranged some more... I NEED LAMPS!!
I have this gorgeous antique italian nativity set that my grandmother brought from Italy low those many years ago. I have still to put that up. SO many things...I need time to do. BUT FOR NOW I need to get John out the door..so I will bid you all a fond farewell....Good DAY!

2001-12-09T11:58:00.000-05:00

I apologized to Jim yesterday. I revisited our letters of last week and upon said review, realized that my PMS got the best of me AGAIN. He apologized as well...it was great. We talked on the phone from 10 pm until 3 am. last night/this morning. I don't want to say too much, but I think we might be on to something special here.

I just have to be careful to NOT lose myself. Today I REALLY need to complete my christmas decorating.
Wish me luck! Ho Ho Ho...merry christmas!!

2001-12-07T07:08:00.000-05:00

Golly Gee..I made it to Friday...Koosh!

My boss has not yet given me the Green Light to my new schedule! Yesterday he told me it is not a problem, however, he needed to discuss it with the other partners. I wanted to start on Monday! Well...I will have to call him at home today and revisit.

I feel kinda crappy today. I was feeling a lot better all week, but last night I had to go to see this psychiatrist for the mental health thing I am doing...and he wants me to take this new medication that "has been very sucessful in Norway" to treat the cravings of addiction. errrr...I dont want to do that. I want to be free of all chemicals....but I took the stupid prescription...I didnt fill it. I want to be able to be strong enough to fight my addictions without drugs...seems like an oxymoron...to give drugs to an addict to help them fight addiction....WHATS UP WITH THAT? hehehe....Of course all I want to do is take a pill and feel better...thats what I have done all my life...

Well, this time things are gonna be different..
I need to go now and get on my bike. bye...have a nice day!

2001-12-06T06:19:00.000-05:00

I had the oddest few days regarding this guy Jim that I went on ONE date with. I suggested that he might take a train down for our second date, (mainly because with his job he has a crazy schedule, and had to cancel a few times already...so I basically said, when you are free, hop a train and we will go out.) The guy went all psycho/balistic on me. Like, its totally out of the question for him to consider taking a train to lowely Monmouth County... Holy Mackerel! Good thing I found this out early. Dating is an ODD PLANET. Well, live and learn I guess. Im glad...I really in my heart of hearts was looking for a way for it NOT to work out....I need to focus on me for a while.

2001-12-03T21:39:00.000-05:00

Well....Four out of eight ain't too bad! I exercised....I called my attorney...I saw my chiropractor and I went to an AA meeting. I was Kinda Kind. I did get most ofmy compliance stuff together, and photo copied it...but something told me I should send my letter "return receipt requested"...when dealing with the DMV...its just good policy. Remember that if you ever move to NJ.

2001-12-03T07:22:00.000-05:00

Everyone has a wonderful, calm, productive day!

My goals for today are to:
Exercise
Be Kind and Patient
Finish my marketing contact letters
Call my attorney
Send my proof of compliance documents to DMV
Call DMV and find out how much money I owe to restore my DL
See my chiropractor
Go to an AA meeting

2001-12-02T16:26:00.000-05:00

Well I decided to return the boots and the outfit. Bad Karma...those...on so many levels.
I am really excited to announce that I finally cleaned my bedroom totally...and rearranged it...its much more functional and user friendly...I want to try to sleep there at night instead of marooned on my couch....one problem with that is....I its so warm and cozy in my bed that I dont want to get up...grrrrr...at least when I am on the couch I am so uncomfortable that I WANT to get up!!

So with my new hours at work...I will have lots of time to work out in the morning and plan my day...I cant wait...

2001-12-02T08:11:00.000-05:00

I am tired of being bogged down by the minutia of life...I wish I had to GUTS to live my dream....but I guess I have to take care of the incidentals...I wish there was someone in my life who could give me CLUE about how to organize my money....I am totallly out of it..I have no idea how to pay bills responsibly....its like a mental block..a hurdle to overcome.

2001-12-02T08:07:00.000-05:00

It is sunday...start of a new week. I was thinking I should return the boots and stuff I bought the other day, but I do kinda need something sort of nice to wear....I have numerous christmas parties coming up. and those boots are awesome. I am a bit annoyed because I got the retainer agreement from my new attorney and he snuck and extra $500 dollars in his fee....so I will have to call and have THAT adjusted....and it was probably the secretary's fault, although...attorneys are pretty meticulous about thier paparwork....so I dunno what the deal is...but I just gave him my life savings...UGH....I am such an ASSHOLE for making this mistake AGAIN....

CHECK THIS OUT...last week, I had my driving privilages suspended for 3 separate reasons, all involving money due to the corrupt state of our motor vehicle services. Once for not paying a parking ticket on time....once for not paying my SURCHARGE on time....and another for not submitting my proof of attendance at AA meetings on time.. AND the IRONY is...they sent me my RENEWED license in the same week....after all the other revokations...ehehhee THATS JOISEY FOR YA. and of COURSE they are gonna make me pay THREE separate resoration fees...because they are total BASTARDS....ripping off the poor..for the PRIVILAGE of driving.

I know its my own fault for not paying my bills on time....but I needed to get that out!!!

I wish I didnt have to drive AT ALL!!! I need to get my car into someone else's name. I cannot afford the insurance...and the state might decide to repo my car for fees...they can actually DO THAT...isnt that some SHIT....

Thank goodness my doctor is a Jew and open on sundays...i need an adjustment desparately.

2001-12-01T21:12:00.000-05:00

I was in Pat's Barber Shop today in Belmar with my son John...he was getting his haircut...Pat had CNN on the TV and they did a litte piece on George Harrison, "The Quiet Beatle"...and then played "Here Comes the Sun"...I burst into tears. He was sweet and beloved.

2001-12-01T21:08:00.000-05:00

Im all friggin' depressed again. Jim had to cancel out date because of his George Harrison project. Not that THAT in itself is so awful, just the committee inside my head is really working overtime. I bought a new outfit AND new trendy cool black leather boots AND got a manicure AND a pedicure...thankyou very much...I was looking forward to a nice dinner with an interesting/funny guy. What bothers me is just the WAY he did it....waiting until I send an email this morning confirming the plans HE had made LAST WEEKEND and talked to me about everyday this week...and responding at NOON today that he had been working all night and was exhausted. uhh...so, take a NAP we arent going out until 8 pm....and the suggestion that I NOT call him because he wont be answering the phone because he will be sleeping. umm...okay...not a problem, just like last time he cancelled....I wont be calling at all....ever...until he begs forgiveness AGAIN.

THis is WAY too much trouble to go though for someone I havent even kissed or hugged or ANYTHING but a handshake....He calls and calls, emails and emails....chats and chats...but keeps cancelling when we are supposed to actually DO something. We had ONE date, which was really good.

I dont have time for this DRAMA. Or..I could look at it this way.....keep on improving....not have ANY expectations....and if he wants to see me, he will have to get his city-boy ass down here to Howell, NJ...not as cool and hip as Hoboken, but fuck it....Im not putting forth any more energy on this deal. Hinge was RIGHT!

2001-12-01T17:43:00.000-05:00

There are 3 chairs in my house.
One for solitude
Two for friendship
Three for society

Im going back to the first chair. I am going to sit in the first chair and think....and work outward from the first chair.